Tales of Insanity
by AisuFox
Summary: Split personality swordsmen, annoying emo Chosens, elves constantly embarrassed by their overly motherly sisters, mercenaries that depend on their little consciences named Yuan and more. What does this all equal? Yet another insane ToS parody!
1. Useless Narrators and Emo Children

**Tales of Insanity**

_Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters_

**Aisu:** Heh, I know there are like a hundred other ToS parodies but everyone does one of these at some point in their life, right? Well this is my version! I've never read a fic with Kratos really OOC though. I tried to make him a little OOC but not so much that it ruins his sexy personality. That's where Yuan comes in!

**Yuan:** I was with Kratos the whole time in the game. You just couldn't see me. I was the one giving him all his awesome lines!

**Aisu:**... I not sure about that... but you need a bigger part in the game, so I gave you one here. Just so you all know, this is not a major fic for me, it's just something I can work on when I get a little bored or tired with Tales of Harmonia, my other fic. I type almost 5, 000 word chapters for it so I need a break every now and then. So updates for this may be a bit scarce unless I get a lot of feedback. I persoanlly thought it was kind of funny. Anyway, please enjoy!

**NOTE:** This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, **SPOILERS **and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!

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Chapter 1: Useless Narrators and Emo Children

"Once upon a time, there was a tree. And it wasn't just any tree, it was a magic tree! It spread love and joy around the world with all the pretty sparkles we called katakana."

Yuan hit Kratos over the head. "It's mana you sexy moron! Plus you still have the lens cap on the camera!"

"Ow… Fine." Kratos took off the lens cap which showed a mountain zooming in closer and closer to a mountain. "AH SHIT! PULL UP! PULL UP!" The camera was abruptly turned towards the sky and blue and white could be seen for a few seconds, before the landscape could be seen once more. "Phew… that was close."

"Finish the story! We're almost at Iselia!"

"Oh crap! Um… um… what's my line!" Yuan shoved the script in front of Kratos' face. "Ah! A war however made the tree sad and it decided to just die. Just like that. Dead. Kaput. No more. It was like: OMG I want to die I'm so sad!"

"Moving on…"

"Okay, but then a hero was like, "OH NO!" and sacrificed himself to take the tree's place, royally pissing off the goddess. The pissed off goddess disappeared unto the heavens and left the angels with this edict: "If you dare wake me, I swear I'll be SO pissed that I'll destroy the world personally!" Heh, I think we dumped a bucket of water on her head that day!"

"Hah! Good times…"

"Anyway, the angels were too lazy to do anything about this so they had a bunch of people bare the Chosen Ones, who are completely useless and fail at life, to fail at life further by trying to save the world. That marked the beginning of the chain reaction that ended the world… FOREVER! Nah, just kidding, but it might as well have happened."

"Man that sucked. We're here anyways so- LOOK OUT!" The camera was now zooming into the schoolhouse of Iselia.

"DAMNIT!" Kratos pulled up after almost running into the school and ended up dropping the camera which fell through the roof. "Crap! Let's get out of here!"

That was all that could be heard so we can assume that they both escaped the area as fast as possible.

* * *

"Ow!" A boy clad in red shouted as a black box, or the camera, fell on his head. "Son of a… WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!" 

"Now Lloydie, we don't use that kind of language in class." A woman with white hair who was clad in orange scolded. "It's the reason I put you in the back of the class to hold buckets of water."

"I'll say whatever the hell I want!" Lloyd shouted but then noticed the camera on the ground and dropped the buckets of water to pick it up. "Ooh! A camera! Look ma, I'm on TV!"

Raine smiled widely and patted his head. "That's the side of you I like to hear. Now can you answer the question?" Lloyd glared evilly at her and she stepped back a bit with a nervous chuckle. "No? Okay then I'll get someone else to answer."

She scanned the rows of students till her gaze landed on a boy with the same white hair and was clad in blue and white. She skipped off and glomped the boy who yelped in surprise.

"Raine… people are looking…" He whined embarrassedly.

"Just answer the question, Genius." She chirped.

"My name's Genis… I told you not to call me that at school. Everyone beats me up at recess."

"That's because they're jealous that they're not as smart as you. Now answer the question please."

Genis groaned. "It was Mithos the Hero… he brought about the end of the war…"

"It was actually the tree which decided to kill itself because it was sad, but that's close enough! A-Plus!" As she walked away, Genis felt everyone's glares on him. He silently wondered why he bothered to come to school.

"Anyways, before Mithos sacrificed himself to fail at saving the tree, he asked the Goddess Martel nicely if she could seal away the Desians whom caused the war." Raine said.

"YOU MORON! He formed a pact with her to seal away the Desians! But they came back and are now trying to redesign the world!" Lloyd shouted from the back of the room.

"Lloydie, we all know that's your alternative personality speaking because you're not that smart." Raine scolded with a motherly tone causing him to flip her off. She learned to ignore it though. "We covered why in last class. Moving on then; today is the day that our Chosen will receive a used present from the pissed off Goddess Martel. That's our Chosen, Colette! Stand on up and take a bow!"

"But I don't want to!" A girl with long blond hair and white clothes cried with tears in her eyes.

"Pleeeeease?"

"Okay!" Colette stood up and bowed hitting her head on her desk in the process. "Oops ouchies! Hee, sorry!" She stood up once more with a huge bruise on her forehead which looked extremely painful.

"Could you tell us all about the Journey of Regeneration you're about to go on?" Raine asked sweetly.

"It's a journey to seal the Desians because the angels wouldn't do it themselves because they're lazy bastards!" Colette said angrily. "I'm going to undoubtedly die like all the previous Chosen's so why am I bothering to do it! ARGH IT MAKES ME SO MAD!" She smashed her desk into pieces, like the Hulk, in anger. "Wish me luck!" She added cheerfully.

"Now we shall move on to the accident Genis had this morning in bed…"

"DAMNIT RAINE!" Genis shouted.

Luckily, a bright light flashed into the room through the windows and words could be heard. **"YOU WILL ALL DIE ONCE THE JOURNEY OF REGENERATION IS COMPLETE!"**

This caused everyone to scream and cause chaos in the room. Some kids broke chairs, some jumped out the window, Lloyd killed a few out of fright since he conveniently had his swords at his sides, Genis dove under his desk and Colette sat there bawling her eyes out. Raine sighed and put on her sunglasses and whipped out a small button with a lens, like seen on the Men in Black. She gave a high-pitched whistle that caused everyone to look at her and she pushed the button, causing the bright lens to flash. Everyone returned to their desks and stared ahead blankly as she put away the button and sunglasses in her robe. They were all like this: O.O

"Everyone, I'm going to the temple now. I want you all to stay here and study while I'm gone. Genius will be in charge."

"Yes Professor Sage…" They all replied monotonously.

With that Raine skipped out of the school. Once they heard the door close, everyone started to cause havoc once more and Lloyd decided to make a break for it. Genis noticed and ran after him, clinging to his boots.

"Take me with you! You must defend me before they all beat me up!" He pleaded. "But stay away from Raine; her punishment is worse than hell on wheels."

Lloyd looked down and shook his foot to get him to let go. "Tch, fine, but if you get in my way-"

"You'll kill me… I know, I know, you say that every time you have a personality switch…" Genis sighed.

"Personality what..? Never mind. Hey, Colette, we're going to defy the Professor's wishes and raid the temple. Want to come?"

Colette looked back from beating up the small boy, who had asked if she was PMSing again, and dropped him to answer sweetly. "Of course! I was getting offended by that hole in the wall over there anyway."

They all looked at the said hole. It was shaped like Colette… well Colette's fist anyway. Goddess knows how they could tell.

"What made that again?" Lloyd asked.

"Don't you remember the Spring-Cleaning incident from last year?" Genis asked.

Colette began crying again. "There was a stain and I couldn't get it out of the wall so I punched it out of frustration." She suddenly became very aggressive. "I punched its damn lights out! It was all like, "Oh no, don't kill me!" and I was all like, "Mwahahahaha!" and I killed it!"

There was a silence that followed.

"You're a freaking dumbass." Lloyd said.

**COLETTE OBTAINED THE TITLE: FREAKING DUMBASS**

"Anyways, let's get out of here. I don't like the way those kids are looking at me." Genis twitched.

"Yeah, let's get the hell out of here!" Colette shouted and exited the room.

Once they were all out, Lloyd sealed the room so that the kids wouldn't escape and wreak havoc outside. Once they were outside, something perplexed them.

"I can finally hear the voices in my head!" Lloyd said excitedly.

Genis ignored him. "Something must have happened. Nobody's around here."

"Colette!" They all looked to their left to see a blond man approaching them while eating a hotdog.

"Daddy you're finally home!" Colette cried and hugged the man as if she hadn't seen him in years.

"… I… was just at home… eating hotdogs…" He stuttered.

"Frank! What's going on here?" Genis demanded.

"Well, I was just minding my own business, eating a hotdog, when I heard the Desians shouting about vandalizing Martel Temple. They're now graphitizing the temple and Phaidra has gone ahead to try and stop them. Well she was actually preparing for Colette's sacrificial ritual but whatever…" Frank explained with a shrug.

"That's not what I meant… I was asking why you are eating hotdogs when your name is Frank. Doesn't it strike you as a bad pun?"

Frank starred down at the hotdog. "You know what? I don't know…" He shook his head and went to leave. "Colette, go get sacrificed- err… I mean receive your used present. Lloyd and Genis, you should go home. If for some strange reason you decide to defy me, I'll be at my house and I'll heal you." With that he left.

"YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU -beep-ING BASTARD!" Lloyd shouted and shook his fist. "Hey, want to take his suggestion and defy his orders anyway?"

"OKAY!" Colette and Genis agreed and they walked towards the north exit.

They were cut off by a large skull with eyes. Well, it would've been more threatening if its eyes hadn't been bright pink.

"Oh em gee! It's a monster!" Genis shouted.

"No shit Sherlock!" Lloyd snapped.

"It must be part of the trial. Martel's trial involves battling monsters." Colette said knowledgably which caused the others to stare at her.

"WHO ASKED YOU!" Lloyd shouted and turned back to the monster, unsheathing his swords made out of broken twigs. "Forget it; let's just kill this thing and go!"

"HELL YEAH!" Both Genis and Colette shouted and took out their weapons as well.

The fight then turned into a battle against a zombie for some strange reason. Lloyd hacked and slashed gracefully then started to be a little more reckless. The first part was his evil personality while the reckless part was his real one. Genis kept on casting his Fireballs from his ball on a stick, or kendama, but it was completely useless because he had such horrible aim. He ended up lighting Colette's butt on fire by mistake which caused her to laugh for some strange reason.

"The burning tickles!" She giggled before tripping while trying to throw her chakrams, causing her to fall on her rear, therefore putting out the fire.

In the end, it was only Lloyd who did any damage so he, with his negative personality, took everyone's share of experience points, which caused him to level up twice and he laughed evilly.

"Lloyd you're awesome and all, but you suck too!" Colette said suddenly.

"Aw, you're too nice Colette." Lloyd said obliviously. "I owe it all to this thing!" He stuck his left hand out hotly.

"To a piece of cloth?" Colette asked rather stupidly.

"No you dumbass, to the Exsphere!" Lloyd growled and covered it with his other hand protectively. "It makes me all powerful and crap. I'd be nothing without it!"

"No kidding…" Genis muttered and got a smack to the head from Lloyd.

"The Professor said once that if you press R, you can switch targets because spiritual monsters are more damaged by magic and physical attacks." Colette blurted out randomly.

Lloyd stared at her. "What the hell are you on?"

Colette began crying. "I saw the monsters coming back and wanted to say something!"

They all looked and low and behold, there was another skeleton head coming. "Would you look at that? But screw it anyways; Genis sucks at aiming so I'm going to take on the ghost out of spite!"

And he did just that. Colette got distracted by a butterfly and killed it because it had apparently offended her. Genis tried his hardest to aim at the zombie properly but only landed a few hits before Lloyd came and finished it off. This time Lloyd didn't steal their experience since his mean side wasn't there at the moment.

"I'm beat; let's go see if Frank can heal us." Genis suggested so they left.

Upon reaching Colette's house, they saw Frank sitting there eating yet another hotdog. "How do you manage to stay so thin?" Genis asked.

"Shut up. What do you want?" Frank asked.

"Can you heal us?" Lloyd asked. "We just fought some wimpy monsters and got tired."

"Okay then, hold still now." Frank stood up and opened his arms wide.

They stepped back slightly. "Wait, what are you doing?" Genis asked fearfully.

"I was going to hug you for health." Frank said as if it was obvious.

"Daddy you stupid head, that's hug for warmth!" Colette shouted angrily.

Frank laughed. "Oh ho ho, that's right, silly me. Then here, have some healing hotdogs." He shoved a hotdog in each of their mouths before booting them out the door. "Next time buy healing items!"

"Bye Daddy!" Colette shouted.

Genis looked in their inventory pack somehow. "We have three Apple Gels, one Orange Gel, one Life Bottle and a Magic Lens Lloyd jacked from some kid before we left the classroom. And we only have five-hundred Gald. That's crappy."

"Well, I do have an extra three-thousand from all those people I killed for no apparent reason… And for some reason some monsters…" Lloyd thought out loud. "Let's go buy a load of crap!"

And that's what they did. They bought loads of useful crap, which made the shop owner almost rich with glee, then left towards Martel Temple, beating up any small threatening animals that got in their way. Well, Lloyd did, and Colette killed anything that offended her. Lloyd learned Sonic Thrust to go along with his Demon Fang attack and Genis learned Stone Blast. When they finally got there, they stopped to stare at the temple.

"Damnit, it's so high up!" Lloyd complained.

"And there are so many stairs!" Genis added.

They both looked at Colette waiting for her to add to their list of complains when they saw she had a huge scowl on her face. "That light offends me! I'm going to go teach it a lesson!" She then began stomping up the stairs rolling up her sleeves.

Lloyd and Genis sighed. "She's definitely the Chosen… she fails at life." Genis muttered.

Before Colette could get far though, she stopped when she heard the sounds of smacks and spray cans. They all saw one of the old bearded priests hobbling down the stairs covered in tie-dye colored paints. When he finally got to where they were he collapsed as if he had been gravely wounded. Lloyd poked him with one of his swords till the priest finally stirred.

"Chosen… One… The… Desians… Have… Broken… The… Non… Aggression… Treaty…" The Pastor wheezed.

"You mean that weird eye for an eye rule from the Desians that stated, "If you say something to us, we'll break your legs, if you come near us, we'll break your legs, and even if you so much as smell us, we'll break your legs, if you break our legs, then we'll break your legs…" and so on?" Genis asked. "So long as we don't break those rules and more they won't vandalize the village?"

"Yes…" He coughed violently. "I… have… confessed… all… but… one… of… my sins…"

"And what is it Pastor..?" Colette asked tearfully.

The Pastor wheezed. "I am actually a woman with many genetic deficiencies…" Then 'he' died.

There was a silence that followed, not one of sadness, but one of total shock and disgust.

"That… was a little more than a wanted to know…" Lloyd said as his eye twitched.

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**Aisu:** O.O; Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review! I'm not too fussy with negative comments about this since I don't care all that much about this fic. Well, I won't unless people really like it. The next chapter is funnier I think. 


	2. Fat People and Sexy Morons

_Diisclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters_

**Aisu:** Thanks for all the positive feedback! I just had to update this. I had a little too much fun with the Vidarr battle. XD; My next update will be for Tales of Harmonia since I haven't updated it in a while. You can expect that tomorrow or something. Anyways, please enjoy!

**NOTE:** This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, **SPOILERS **and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!

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Chapter 2: Fat People and Sexy Morons

After discarding the corpse of the colorful hermaphrodite Pastor to make sure they didn't get blamed for killing… it…, Lloyd, Genis and Colette stood there trying to get the image of the disgusting Pastor out of their minds. Suddenly, without warning, Colette screamed causing the boys to jump several feet in the air.

"What the hell is wrong with you now!" Lloyd demanded clutching his chest as if he had nearly suffered from a heart attack.

"I'm going to get my used present." Colette chirped and began walking up the stairs a ways to feel rather dominant over the two.

"… And you screamed why?" Genis asked.

"I wanted your attention!" Colette chirped and began walking up the stairs. "Come on!"

Lloyd put his hands behind his head in a casual fashion. "We'll wait for you."

Colette paused in mid-step up the stairs, causing Lloyd and Genis to get confused and stared at her back. "Um… Colette..?" Genis asked and 'meeped' when Colette stomped her foot down.

She turned around with an extremely scary look on her face, eyes flaring red and an evil aura surrounding her. "I said… **COME ON, INFERIOR BEINGS!**"

Lloyd and Genis screamed and hugged each other in fright, both trying hard not to cry or crap their pants. No sooner had Colette placed her foot down one step did they dash right past her and up the stairs. Colette's evil aura faded away and was replaced with one of peace, happy flowers and bunny rabbits.

"Aw… you're both so sweet to come with me like that." She cooed but then tripped on her face when she went up one stair. "Oops, ouchies! Lloyd, Genis, could you help me, please?" Both were too far ahead to hear her. "Hello?" Her evil aura came back suddenly. "**I SAID HELP ME YOU STUPID ASSHOLES!**" There were more screams and fast-paced stomping down the stairs before they were both back and helped her up. "Aw… thank you. You'll always be equal below my iron fist."

Both Lloyd and Genis stayed a good distance away from Colette the rest of the way up as she skipped up the stairs, unicorns and rainbows flowing behind her. After they climbed like a million stairs, they reached the top where the Desians and a double-horn-haired guy were standing in front of an old lady. The old lady saw them all coming just over the edge and gasped. She started to run as fast as her wrinkled old legs would let her, holding up one hand reaching towards Colette dramatically.

Everything went in slow motion after she passed the Desians. "Colette! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" This made Colette scream and move to the side, causing the old lady to fall over the edge and roll down the stairs.

"Bye Grandma!" Colette waved.

"Ugh, what a mess…" Genis muttered as he stared at the graffiti the Desians had drawn all over the temple. Most of it was done in leet like: R33G4)3Z RUL3 N00BZ!1!1 "What the heck were they trying to write?"

"Who knows… maybe they were trying to convey an unidentifiable message to morons like you." Lloyd said smoothly and crossed his arms.

"Lord Botta, it's the failure Chosen!" One Desian shouted to the pointy haired man.

Botta approached Colette and got down on one knee taken her hand in his. "Ah, Lady Chosen, your heart is mine." He then kissed the top of her hand like a gentleman.

Colette blushed and looked away, giggling like a schoolgirl. "Oh my, this is so unexpected!"

"Ew!" Genis shouted.

"Allow me to introduce myself, I am Botta, a-" Botta was cut off when a twig sword went to his neck.

"You're a Desian, we already know that!" Lloyd said dangerously.

"EWW!" Colette screamed and kicked Botta's face in. "A Desian kissed me! An ugly Desian in fact!"

"Aw… foiled again by looks alone…" Botta snapped his fingers.

"You think we're Desians? Holy crap that's so funny!" The Desians began rolling on the ground laughing their helmets off, but not literally.

"Why must you laugh at us..?" Genis asked as if he was about to burst into tears.

"Then die at the hands of the Desians you hate so much! Ready boys?" The leader of the three Desians, excluding Botta, shouted and they all reached to their belts grabbing tall cans of spray paint which they began to shake. Swords are SO underrated.

Then they all charged. "Slice them open! They're compressed gas cans!" Lloyd commanded and ran forward along with Colette, leaving Genis to cast.

Each of them took on a Desian. Lloyd easily dodged the assault of fluorescent pink and sliced open the can, pink exploded everywhere and covered the Desian till he died from paint inhalation. Colette got distracted as Phaidra, the old lady, crawled back up the stairs and waved. The Desian got confused and went to spray her but she pulled up her other arm for a double wave and knocked the can out of his hands. It exploded once it hit the ground and the random pieces and paint that flew injured him.

Colette looked back upon seeing the mess of bright blue. "Oh, hi Mr. Desian!"

Genis was about to cast a Fireball when he was sprayed with neon green. "Oh dear goddess, it burns like Raine's love!" Without knowing it, his Fireball went off and caused the can to explode and blow back the Desian. "Oh wow, I did it for once."

The live Desians, upon hearing thunderous footsteps retreated causing some confusion as the three regrouped. A HUGE fat guy came stomping out of no where with a spiked-ball on a chain and a hammer, as well as a Jenny Craig magazine.

"Vidarr couldn't find toilet in temple… Vidarr need to crap big one thanks to Vidarr's prune juice." Vidarr whined but shouted when the kids started to attack him. "Why do they hurt Vidarr? VIDARR MAD!"

Vidarr used his big hammer and slammed Lloyd away and swung his mace to knock Colette and Genis out of the way. Lloyd came back and slapping Vidarr around with his twig swords till he finally did some damage. He gave the fat man a splinter. Colette threw her rings every so often doing little to no damage since most of the throws didn't even come close to hitting him and poor Genis with his terrible aim did little damage either. So it was mainly all Lloyd till a thunderous sound filled the air.

"What the hell was that!" Lloyd shouted.

"Oops, Vidarr toot." Vidarr admitted bashfully till a horrible nauseating stench filled the air.

"OH DEAR MARTEL IT BURNS MY NOSE!" Lloyd screamed and collapsed by the others.

"I bet there's enough gas to ignite and kill us all if I use my Fireball!" Genis wailed and covered his nose.

"It smells like Daddy after he eats fifteen hotdogs and uses the toilet!" Colette added cheerfully. But she was crying out in pain on the inside.

"Oh, this Vidarr's big chance!" Vidarr hobbled over and was about to smash Lloyd's head in with his hammer when something interfered and he was knocked back.

Lloyd looked up at the purple armored man with auburn hair, who had just saved them, with a dumbfounded expression. "Hubba wha?"

"Out of the way you snot-nosed brats- OH DEAR GODDESS ALIVE IT STINKS!" The man covered his nose and went to run away. "Screw you kids I'm out of here! It smells like Yuan's office after he rots there all day!"

Suddenly a small blue haired man flew out from under the man's cape and pulled his ear. "No Kratos, it smells bad but you must save them!" He sniffed the air. "Oh my, it does smell like my office. But enough of that, I Yuan, your conscience, order you to fight!" Yuan kicked Kratos in the rear in the correct direction for good measure.

"Ow, I liked you better when you were bigger…" He stood in front of the kids defensively once more like he had before but pinched his nose this time.

"Uh oh…" Vidarr said.

"What now?" Lloyd shouted. "What more could you do to torture us!"

"Vidarr's prune juice starting to work…" Vidarr muttered.

Everyone started to scream and panic like a bunch of scared idiots. Genis hoped that his aim would be good enough this time to finish off the flatulent man so he cast a quick Stone Blast. His aim was off, of course, but it did the next best thing! It plugged Vidarr's butt!

"Damn, I told him to not drink prune juice before he came!" Botta growled then noticed mini Yuan on Kratos' shoulder. "Oh, hi sir-" Yuan did a little slicing motion across his throat. "Understood. Men, help me lug Vidarr's fat ass out of here!" With that, the Desians left.

"Wow, you just stood there and you looked so cool!" Colette fangirled over Kratos.

"You look so strong even though you did absolutely nothing! Tell me your secret!" Genis said jumping up and down excitedly.

Lloyd's evil personality suddenly perked up and he drew a twig sword to Kratos' throat. "You think you're hot stuff, don't you! Then let's fight, Lloyd Irving versus Mr. Hot Stuff here and now!" Kratos frowned and snapped Lloyd's sword in half. "AHHH!- Oh wait, that was a real twig, I forgot to draw my real sword." Lloyd then drew another twig sword, but this time from the actual sheath.

Kratos decided to spare the boy further humiliation this time. "You're name is Lloyd?"

"What of it, Mr. Hot Stuff?" Lloyd snarled.

"… Don't call me that. My name is Kratos, I'm a traveling mercenary. If you can pay me… line…" Yuan shoved the script in Kratos' face. "Oh yes, if you can pay me a crap load of money, then I'll accept the job of protecting the Chosen. It's the reason I saved all your asses after all."

"Well, if it says so in the script… but I don't have any money. Phaidra does though- Oh crud on a stick." Lloyd looked over to see flies floating above the old lady's body, which was lying on the stairs, sprawled out.

"She must've died from the stench." Genis shrugged as he poked the corpse with a stick before seeing her wallet fall out of her pocket. Genis picked it up and inspected the amount of money. "Holy crap, there's fifty thousand Gald in here!"

"Gimmie!" Kratos pounced at Genis but the elf side stepped.

"Tell you what, I'll give you one thousand Gald for every good deed you do on the journey. How does that sound?" Genis suggested and pocketed the money.

Kratos growled under his breath. "It's as if you're thinking you're going to go on this journey too…"

Colette wailed as she cried. "But I feel so much safer when they're around now that my grandma's dead!"

Kratos gave each of the kids a strange look then sighed. "I'm not going to protest against the Chosen's wishes… especially if it means I'm getting fifty-thousand Gald in the end." He then added in a lower tone. "I'm sure I'm going to regret this…"

So they all entered the temple when they all decided to stop. The walls were all covered in more graffiti and the paint blocked out the light coming through the windows. It was more leet language that none of them could understand… except maybe mini Yuan.

"Wow, this place sucks." Lloyd grumbled and kicked a piece of debris on the floor.

"Colette, how could you stand this place? It looks like it's about to collapse at any given second!" Genis complained.

"I can stand anything if they give me a used present in the end!" Colette punched the air. "Oh look, a worm!" She went to try and catch it but Kratos held the back of her jacket.

"It's a monster you moron. Anyways, there are many monsters around so we need to move on carefully and stealthily." He looked up to see them all yodeling and trying to see if there was an echo. "I'm surrounded by idiots…"

"Don't worry; I'll kick all their asses with my awesome sword techniques!" Lloyd declared and raised his twig sword.

Kratos stared at him. "Are your sword techniques self-taught?"

"Yeah, what of it?" Lloyd snapped and crossed his arms.

"… You just made me die a little on the inside." He took his book out of his pocket and handed it to Lloyd. "Use my book and improve or else I'll abandon you in battle."

"Oh, sounds like something my real dad did to me!" Lloyd laughed causing Kratos to wince slightly and mini Yuan to roll off Kratos' shoulder laughing. Kratos just squished him under his boot.

**AQUIRED "SWORDSMANSHIP FOR DUMMIES" TRAINING MANUAL**

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Aisu: **XD; I just love Kratos' line at the end. The for Dummies thing is overused I know, but I couldn't think of anything else at the moment. I have the next chapter, but after that I need to make more. 

Anyways... Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review!


	3. Annoying Mazes and Surfer Dudes

_Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters_

**Aisu:** Thank you all for the support and reviews! You all really make my day!

This chapter isn't quite as funny as the others because Remiel isn't funny. I don't even remember why I made him what I made him... o.o; By the way, I tend to pick on Kratos and Yuan a bit, but that's only because it's fun. It's not because I hate them, because I don't hate them. I could just be being paranoid so you shouldn't worry too much about it. XD;

Anyways, enjoy the chapter!

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Chapter 3: Annoying Mazes and Surfer Dudes

So they pressed on, taking the tunnel to the left first, which led to a dead end that caused them all to get thoroughly pissed after taking a beating from all those enemies. So next they walked back and took the middle path which led them to yet another dead end. They shouted in frustration, Lloyd even tried to run through the barrier but was almost electrocuted to death.

"So, he has one personality that make him a total dumbass and another that makes him an awesome cool bastard?" Kratos clarified with the other two kids while he cast First Aid on the crispy swordsman.

"Yeah, the dumbass is his real self and the bastard is unknown to us. If he's dumb like this, then it's his real personality, or if he's suddenly intelligent and a total asshole then that's his evil side. We assume he got the moronic side from his mother so we have no clue where the evil side came from." Genis explained with a shrug.

Kratos cleared his throat uncomfortably and threw his conscience Yuan into the wall since he wouldn't stop laughing. Soon after, Lloyd woke up and they continued on their way, killing any monsters that got in the way while taking a huge beating themselves. Kratos kept on running out of mana from casting First Aid so much and Genis pretty much just ran on mana so… they were halfway through their supply of Orange Gels. They found out they took the wrong path once more and shouted in frustration. How stupid are they? But they eventually found their way and were now standing on the crystal platform.

"Whoa! Look how big that jewel is on that ring!" Colette squealed and pointed at the Sorcerer's Ring on the other side of the room.

"It's so big!" Genis gaped.

"It's amazing!" Colette shouted.

"I guess it is kind of big…" Lloyd muttered and shuffled his boot on the floor.

"Mine's bigger." Kratos said.

O.o; … Anyways… get those thoughts out of you head or else I'll use Raine's mind eraser thingy! Moving on…

"How are we going to get it?" Genis asked as Colette skipped off somewhere.

"How about we jump down? I'm probably going to jump off a cliff in the near future so what's the difference?" Lloyd shrugged.

Genis glared at him. "What are the chances of that happening!"

"IF I SAY IT'LL HAPPEN THEN IT DAMN WILL HAPPEN!" Lloyd shouted in Genis' face causing the poor elf to whimper.

"Look, look! I'm going to name it Rocky and it'll be my new paper weight!" Colette shouted with glee as she pointed at the large Rock Golem that was about to squish her with its big fists.

"No you dumbass!" Kratos shouted and tackled Colette out of the way, just in the nick of time, while Genis and Lloyd went to work on the rock monster.

Lloyd was wiser this time and back up every time the Golem swung its arms around while Kratos kind of got beaten. When ever I play, Kratos never takes a hint and backs off so he keeps on nearly dying. Good thing he has First Aid. Anyways, after a while, they finally finished off the Golem which keeled over as if it was having a huge stomachache and turned into a block. Funny how a rock can turn into a block with golden rims.

"NO, ROCKY!" Colette wailed and hugged the block mournfully. "HE WAS SO YOUNG! JUST A LITTLE PEBBLE!"

"It's for your own good Chosen. Now, kid, fork over two thousand Gald for saving your asses twice." Kratos demanded and Genis dropped the said money into his greedy little paws. "Good boy."

"You wouldn't have remembered the money if it wasn't for me…" Yuan snorted.

"Shut up."

While Colette was crying and hugging the block, she was slowly inching it towards the hole it was just beside till it fell in. "ROCKY NO!"

"By George, I think I've got it!" Genis and Kratos shouted simultaneously while Lloyd and Colette were like: "Buh?"

Suddenly, another Golem teleported in out of no where and ran at them. Colette growled and rolled up her sleeves.

"This is for Rocky!" She shouted and started kicking the Golem's butt.

The boys just stood dumbfounded by the side while Colette murdered every single Golem that teleported in the room, leaving many blocks so they started to complete the block puzzle and collect all the items. They found some Gald, some new items and more until they went up the stairs to where the Sorcerer's Ring was, Colette still on an angered killing spree.

"So this is the Sorcerer's Ring? I'm not impressed!" Lloyd humphed and turned away.

"We need it to get by that barrier you almost got killed by. With it we can probably get further in dungeons and stuff." Yuan shoved the script in his face again. "Aw crap, I forgot two lines that make me sound so awesome and smart!" Lloyd still snuffed the ring like a brat. "… It blows out fire."

"Ooh gimmie!" Lloyd put the ring on his finger and accidentally set it off, causing fire to set Kratos' cape on fire. "Kratos your-"

"I know…" Kratos replied with a straight face before turning to glare at mini Yuan who was summoning a spell to put out the fire.

Yuan finished casting and a giant bolt of lightning struck Kratos out of no where, frying the mercenary to a crisp till he fell face first to the floor. "I forgot to tell you I can only use lightning spells. Oh well, at least the fires out." Yuan shrugged at the two boys poked Kratos' charred corpse.

He decided to fly and grab a Life Bottle from Lloyd to revive the mercenary. He picked up the bottle and dropped the bottle on the man's head, shattering it, and the contents revived him. Kratos growled and crushed his small conscience before throwing him into the abyss surrounding the platforms. He's okay though because Yuan can't die… in this story… Moving on, the three boys went back up the stairs and saw that the entire platform was covered in blocks thanks to Colette's endless killing spree.

"Damnit, Colette, now we need to jump!" Lloyd stood there and nothing happened. "What the hell?"

"We can't do anything. There's no action command to jump." Genis frowned and kicked one of the blocks.

"Well that sucks." Lloyd scowled.

"Why don't you try using that Sorcerer's Ring to get rid of the blocks?" Kratos suggested while reading from the script.

"They formed from rocks! How would they possibly burn! Rocks aren't flam-" Genis was about to start ranting till Lloyd used the ring and it burned the block to cinders. "Well, I'll be damned…"

They continued to burn their way through the blocks till they found Colette in the midst of them all still killing Golems. "Colette, we're leaving! Get your ass over here or else you won't get your used present!" Lloyd called.

Colette gave the Golem one last kick before leaving excitedly. Let's just say that no monsters attacked the party again since Colette had her little freak out. They made their way back to the four-way path and stupidly took the wrong one again causing great agony among them. So they spent another few minutes trying to find the barrier.

"This wall shall PAY for nearly killing me! Mwahahahaha!" Lloyd laughed evilly and used the ring, causing the barrier to fade to nothing. "… That's it? WHAT A RIP OFF PIECE OF CRAP!" With that, Lloyd took off the ring and threw it to the ground before going up to the teleporter fuming.

"What did you expect? That it was start screaming in agony and beg for mercy and forgiveness?" Kratos sighed after him, Yuan chuckling at Kratos' expense on his shoulder.

Genis decided to collect the Sorcerer's Ring just in case. They all approached the teleporter rather hesitantly, except for Kratos who walked up to it like he had done it hundreds of times… which he probably hasn't though! Heh… heh… yeah… They all went through and ended up before a large altar with a red shiny thing in the center.

"Those bastards! They stole that from me when I was born!" Colette shouted angrily and went to climb on the altar to get it back, but Kratos held her back till she kicked him below the belt. Ouch… that's just low…

"No… don't let her… steal… the Cruxis… Crystal…" Kratos wheezed in a heightened tone before collapsing on his side.

Colette was about to get away with it till Lloyd and Genis jumped in to stop her. Suddenly, a bright light filled the room and a man with green and gold robes drifted down on a surfboard.

"Cowabunga dudes! I'm Remiel, a surfer angel of judgment! I was supposed to be hanging-ten now, but you failure Chosens always call me when I want to surf." Remiel drifted down on top of his surfboard and grabbed the Cruxis Crystal. He waved it in front of Colette's face tauntingly since she was still being held back by the Lloyd and Genis while Kratos struggled to stand. "You want this, don't you? Then you can have it! It's covered in germs and cooties from all those other Chosen anyway." He pulled back his fist and threw it at her chest, where is gained a gold mount and everything, knocking them all back. "Now Colette can go unlock the seals and undoubtedly fail because none of us want to risk waking up the pissed off Goddess Martel. Now the Tower of Salvation has been placed which you're going to climb when you're done."

Everyone looked out the window to see the Tower in all its glory. "Hey, when did that get there?" Genis asked.

"You blinked and you missed it!" Remiel laughed.

"Dude, I'm NOT going to climb to the top of that tower. It's freaking huge!" Lloyd complained.

"I humbly accept this task." Colette said randomly.

"… What? Oh well, whatever. I'll be surfing the sand dunes waiting for you at the next temple in the desert. See ya suckers!" With that, Remiel ripped off his robe and cleric hat to reveal that he had on a green and gold bathing suit and had long flowing golden hair like the stereotypical surfers.

"WAIT! Are you really my daddy?" Colette shouted.

Remiel paused. "What the hell are you on, kid?" His surfboard swirled around the room a few times before flying through the roof and not breaking it! Wow, he must be like an angel or something! Maybe even Superman… no wait, Superman would leave a huge hole.

"I guess that means yes! Yay! I found my real daddy!" Colette cried happily.

Kratos had finally recovered and dragged Colette to the warp pad, leaving the two boys by themselves.

"Well that really sucked." Lloyd said for the fifth time that day. "But it was funny to see Colette kick Kratos in the crotch!"

"Yeah!" Genis laughed in agreement as they left through the teleporter.

They began to talk about angels till they saw… DUN, DUN, DUN… Raine! She was vigorously cleaning the graffiti that the Desians had left.

"Oh crap… maybe if we're quiet-" Genis paused when Lloyd kicked over one of the cans of spray paint. "… Double crap…"

Raine perked up upon hearing the can clattering on the ground and looked back to see the two. "Lloydie, Genius, you naughty boys. Didn't I tell you study in the classroom?" She then began approaching them till they were backed into a corner. "You're such silly billies!"

"No Raine! I'm sorry! Anything but that!" Genis shouted in vain.

He screamed bloody murder as Raine squeezed him into a hug. Lloyd panicked and tip-toed away only to trip on the can of paint. Raine then abandoned Genis, who was sprawled out on the floor wheezing, to glomp Lloyd to the floor.

"THE LOVE! IT BURNS!" Lloyd screamed and flailed in the Professor's grip.

Soon Raine let go and dusted herself off. "Now that you two have learned your lesson, you can go home. Unfortunately, there will be no class for the rest of the day." Lloyd let out a whoop and raised his fist weakly.

"But what are you going to be doing?" Genis asked. She may be freaking evil, but she was still his sister.

"I want to clean off all the graffiti so I can study the temple!" Raine chirped and skipped off to continue her work with a toothbrush.

Lloyd and Genis eventually gained back the feeling in their bodies and hobbled out of the temple. They suddenly heard a loud high-pitched scream as if someone was being brutally tortured or murdered. It lasted for about ten seconds before it finally stopped.

"… Did it stop or am I just deaf?" Lloyd muttered incredulously.

"No… I have larger ears so if I'm not deaf then you're not…" Genis said shakily as his ears rung.

"What the hell was that!" Lloyd shouted as he looked back into the temple.

"… You're best off not knowing…"

"But-"

"YOU HEARD NOTHING!" Genis shouted and stomped off, leaving poor Lloyd very disturbed.

* * *

**Aisu:** Odd chapter, but whatever. Remember, I don't hate Kratos or Yuan! 

Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review! The next chapter should be better than this one I think. Till then!

Oh, and **to those of you who read ToH**, I've put up Lloyd's reference picture in my profile so you can check it out! Or to those of you who like shiny ToS pictures, feel free to take a look! I've also got a short mystery story in my mind for the future. I might work on that too. See my profile for details!


	4. Jackass Mayors and Hybrid Dogs

_Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters_

**Aisu:** Another chapter since the heat is starting to die down a bit. Thank you **ShadowofUndine** and **Prof. Posiee Woe **for reviewing last chapter! You guys really made my day! And thank you all the anonymous people who read my story!

By the way, this story is based on my gameplay with a twist. I started another file since I accidently saved over my 92-hour game file. ;.; I had over 2000 GRADE in that thing! -cries- Over 5 hours a day, killing Bacuras all for naught... At least I still have my Kratos-ending file... 72-hours on that one still!

**AISU OBTAINED THE TITLE: "SUPER GEEK"**

Yeah, anyways, enjoy!

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Chapter 4: Jackass Mayors and Hybrid Dogs

While they were walking down the path that led back to Iselia, Genis shouted –beep- very, very loudly causing every monster around to surround them. "What the hell did you do that for!" Lloyd demanded as he swung around his swords like a desperate lunatic.

"We forgot to return the Sorcerer's Ring!" Genis snapped and swung his kendama around, doing one-hit damage each time. That rules… NOT!

"I thought I threw it to the floor after I had a hissy fit." Lloyd said and trapped a wolf in a headlock and gave it a noogie till it finally died. But Lloyd was paying too much attention to what Genis was saying to even notice.

"I know; that's why I took it just in case we needed it in the future." Genis kicked aside a small rabbit and showed his hand as proof he had the ring on his finger.

"Well, should we walk all the way back there and return it?" Lloyd asked and finally dropped the wolf now realizing it was dead.

"Hell no, I'm not going back if it means going through this again!" Genis said and tried casting Stone Blast, but it erupted right where they were standing.

Lloyd growled as he stood up, an evil glint in his eye, and charged at the monsters. "DIE FLEA INFESTED BEINGS!" He then went on a killing spree, much like Colette when she was killing Golems, and monsters went flying in a very comical fashion.

Genis then started tinkering with the Sorcerer's Ring. "I wonder if I could connect it to my mana source then-" He was cut off when his plan worked and a giant inferno of fire blasted out of the ring and fried any in his way, causing some monsters to whimper and run away, tails between their legs. "Sweet…"

Well, it doesn't work that way in the game, but it got rid of the monsters faster so they could get to Iselia and move on with the plot. Too bad though, it would've been cool! So… let's say the ring malfunctioned and it can no longer do that again so that I can't massacre the plot that way, okay? Yay! So once they reached Iselia, they decided to be nosy little brats and see what was going on at Colette's house. Once they reached there, they intruded without even knocking to see that Mayor, Frank, Kratos and Colette all having a tea party with tiny cups and saucers even!

The mayor finished his sip and sighed. "Damn, you really know how to convince someone with tea. Okay then, I shall entrust the protection of Colette to Kratos and Raine."

"What about me!" Yuan shouted and had a fit on Kratos' shoulder.

"I really don't think it'll be necessary from what I saw." Kratos muttered to himself, replaying the Temple's events in his mind. He turned his attention to his conscience and whispered. "Plus Yuan, you're invisible since you're a conscience."

"Oh, so that explains why those kids were so disturbed when I floated around with the Life Bottle." Yuan tapped his chin thoughtfully.

Colette looked at Lloyd and Genis who entered through the door and screamed. "What the hell are you doing in my house!"

"We're being nosy little brats, why else?" Lloyd shrugged.

"Oh okay!" She then decided to glomp Lloyd to the floor. "Thank you so much for all your help I was so scared!" She cried all over Lloyd's shirt.

"EW, get the hell off of me! I got girl cooties!" Lloyd shoved her off and brushed off his clothes to rid himself of the 'cooties'.

"Since Phaidra has gone AWOL, I shall award you with awesomest book EVER! It's one-hundred percent recyclable and the best pastime activity during your journey. Best of all, it's over 5 game plays of fun!" Frank tossed the huge heavy said book at Genis and squished him completely.

"Geez, that's good to know." Genis muttered and tossed the book into the recycling bin nearby. Always remember to recycle kiddies!

**AQUIRED "COLLECTOR'S BOOK" BUT DECIDED TO SAVE A COUPLE HUNDRED TREES INSTEAD, YAY!**

"I can never understand why people think those two are going to go on this long-ass journey too." Mini Yuan growled.

"It confuses me too…" Kratos muttered but then noticed everyone was staring at him. "What?"

"Mr. Kratos, are you schizophrenic or something? You keep on talking to your shoulder." Colette asked innocently.

Kratos stared blankly for a moment. "Chosen, how do you know such a big word?"

"Because I am too! I think puppies talk to me!" She began laughing like an idiot, which is true because I don't think schizophrenia works that way.

"So…" Lloyd began trying to change the subject. "Were you all just talking about the World Regeneration just now? I wanna go too and see Colette get screwed over by the angels! It'll be so funny!"

"I need to go if Raine's going or else she'll kill everyone with overdoses of love and her ramblings of love and peace and embarrassing stories about me." Genis said.

"Hell no, you're both nuisances!" Kratos shouted standing up from his seat and smacking the table for emphasis.

"Well, screw you, Mr. Hot Stuff! We're going too!" Lloyd shouted back and slapped the table as well for added emphasis.

"Did you not realize how badly we got our asses kicked! At least I'll have a better healer to work with! You'll all just get all homesick and cry and beg for me to feed you while you just make huge fusses hugging your stuffed animals! Then you'll wet yourselves out of fright in battle and will expect ME to change you and make it all go away!" Kratos snarled back then noticed Genis hiding his Katz plush behind his back.

"And you don't think Colette will do that?" Lloyd asked incredulously.

"… At least she's just ONE person." Kratos sighed.

"You can count Raine in that description too. You have no idea what she's like when she's away from the school for too long." Genis mentioned.

Kratos just wanted to break down crying. Poor guy… and Yuan just laughed and laughed until he couldn't breathe properly anymore.

The mayor decided to say something considering he was ignored throughout the whole conversation. "I feel complete sympathy for Kratos. This is personal business, NOW GO HOME YOU LITTLE SNOT-NOSED BRATS!" Thus, the mayor is a jackass, thus, the title.

Lloyd and Genis were booted out of the house kicking and screaming where they were about to leave, but Colette kicked the door down and ran after them. "WAIT YOU ASSHOLES!" She then tripped and fell down the stairs, much like a slinky. "Oops tee hee sorry!"

"What are you apologizing to us for? You're the freaking dumbass." Lloyd said.

"Waaaaaaaaah… I'm sorry!" Colette cried.

"Damnit Colette! Argh, never mind!" Lloyd rubbed his temples.

They all stood there like morons for a few minutes, Colette looked at them rather expectantly. "Well..?"

"Well what?" Lloyd asked.

Colette frowned. "It's… my birthday."

"We know." Genis said simply.

Colette frowned even more till it looked like a screwed up scowl. "Did you… get me anything?"

"No." Lloyd replied with a shrug.

That was the last straw and Colette's evil aura surrounded her. "**YOU DIDN'T GET ME ANYTHING FOR MY SWEET-SIXTEEN! YOU GUYS SUCK!**" She then started to cry again.

"Ha- Had I known that you were leaving so soon I would've made you cookies or something!" Genis stuttered and held his hands up in weak defense.

Colette turned her glare to Lloyd. "I-I might… make a… necklace? Yeah! A necklace! I'll give it to you tomorrow before you leave! I promise!" Lloyd waved his hands in the air.

Colette beamed and hugged the two into a BIG hug! "You guys are my bestest friends ever!" She then skipped up the stairs. "So long, suckers!" She then tripped on her face. "Oops tee hee sorry!" She entered the house with a bleeding forehead which will probably be treated by her creepy dad, Frank… who loves hotdogs.

Once she was safely inside, Genis high-fived with Lloyd. "Man, you were so convincing I actually thought you were going to make her something!"

"What do you mean? Of course I'm going to make her a necklace. I promised." Lloyd said.

"… Really?"

"Nah, of course not! Got you good, didn't I?"

Okay, now I think that's WAY too mean of me. I would be upset too if nobody got me anything for my sweet-sixteen, no matter how much they hated me. I don't REALLY hate Colette, only at certain parts in the game. Plus it might screw up the plot a bit. Let's adjust this a bit…

They both laughed merrily for a few minutes then stopped.

"Maybe you should at least BUY a necklace? I mean a promise is a promise, plus she won't go all evil on us." Genis suggested.

"I guess. I'm on my way home now so I can buy one on the way I suppose." Lloyd said.

"Can I… go part of the way with you?" Genis asked. "I want to meet with a friend."

"… You have friends?" Genis glared at him. "Yeah… of course you do. I meant, sure you can go with me."

"Okay, but can we stop by my house to get something first?" Genis asked.

"You mean like a weapon?" Genis glared at him again but Lloyd wasn't fazed this time. "No, I really mean it." Genis kicked him in the shin. "OW! Come on, it's a ball on a freaking stick!"

So they walked, rather Lloyd limped, to Genis' house where Genis rummaged around in the cupboards for something. Lloyd, being the nosy little boy he is, looked through the bookshelves.

"Wow, these books look pretty difficult. Does the Professor always read stuff this hard?" Lloyd asked in awe.

Genis glanced over and smacked his forehead. "Lloyd… those are my old ABCs books from when I was a baby…"

Lloyd blushed then opened a book. "A is for Apple… well I'll be damned…"

"Get over here Lloyd!" Genis snapped and Lloyd abandoned the 'challenging' book to see what the elf wanted. "I got some cooking materials for sandwiches to replenish our strength. Apple Gels are expensive and don't grow on trees you know." He then gave Lloyd a hard serious look. "You know how to make a sandwich… right?"

"Of course!" Lloyd took the simpler ingredients and explained the process as he performed it. "First you take the bread, and then you put peanut butter on one side. Next you take another piece of bread and put jam on it. Then you put the pieces together so that the jam and peanut butter face outside and start licking it all off." In a disgusting show of action, Lloyd began licking off all the jam and peanut butter making a huge mess. Genis cringed and shaded his face with his arm. "Last you just throw the bread away!"

Genis stared at Lloyd as he threw the bread over his shoulder looking WAY too proud of himself. "You're a freaking genius, you know that?"

"Oh wow, really!"

"NO YOU DUMBASS! How could you possibly fail at making a sandwich!"

Lloyd's twig sword left its sheath in a split second and was under Genis' chin. "You want to repeat that, Shorty?" Genis knew better than to mess with Lloyd's evil personality so he shook his head timidly. "Atta' Boy."

So after packing up, they skipped down the yellow brick road and stopped by the store Halo, where they bought some more crap and a necklace, then went towards the south exit to see the sentries yelling at something. One of them sensed Lloyd's presence with his awesome chi abilities and turned around.

"Lloyd, get your Protozoan out of here. He's not only scaring the villagers, but he's blocking the exit with his big ass!" He shouted.

Lloyd flared back. "How many times do I have to tell you! Noishe is NOT a freaking Protozoan or Arshis or any other big names you call him! He's hybrid cross between a rabbit and a squirrel AKA a dog!" He then turned on Noishe. "How many times do I have to tell you not to block the entrance with your big ass Noishe!"

Genis glared at Lloyd. "He was probably waiting for you! Don't be mean to your Arshis!"

"DOG!" Lloyd shouted in his face. Noishe began to whine. "Oh, don't you give me that lip mister, or else… NO DINNER!" Noishe's eyes widened and he played dead. "Good boy, now we're making progress. Let's go then!"

"Wait!" The sentry called and they all looked at him. "You're going through the Iselia Forest, right?"

"I go through there everyday you moron. Shouldn't you realize that by now?" Lloyd snapped.

"Well… I just wanted to make sure. Just make sure you don't go near the Human Ranch on the way or lead your Pro… Dog near it either." He warned. "You don't go there do you? We depend on that Non-Aggression Treaty. I like my legs the way they are thank you."

"Of course not, right Genis?" Lloyd looked down at Genis who had an expression that was a cross between D: and O.o. "That's what I thought. And by the way Mr. Sentry, Noishe has a name you know? But if it had been up to me, I would've named him Squirbit."

So after a long silence, Lloyd and Genis mounted Noishe, the most efficient source of transportation around, and headed towards the Iselia Forest.

* * *

**Aisu: **Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review! 

Next chapter is the Iselia Forest and the Desian Ranch! Lloydie gets a bit cheeky in that one. XD; I'll update this again on Wednesday since that's my birthday! Whee! And I got out of my writer's block for ToH and finished Chapter 14! YAY!

Once I'm finished the chapter of ToI I'm working on, I think I'll take a bit of a break from writing for a while. But I'll still update ToH Friday since I have lots of backup chapters!


	5. Treacherous Monsters and Old Ladies

_Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters_

**Aisu:** As promised I sent another chapter. I'm 16 today, whoo! And I even have my beta-reader **DomoKim**, who helps me with ToH, sitting beside me!

Thank you **SunFrost,** **ShadowofUndine **and** Kitsu Kurasei** for reviewing last chapter! Thank you for the birthday wishes as well! I really appreciate them:D

Anyways, enjoy!

**NOTE:** This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, **SPOILERS **and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!

* * *

Chapter 5: Treacherous Monsters and Old Ladies

The two friends were entering the Iselia Forest now, riding on top of their faithful pal Noishe like a horse, till the hybrid came to an abrupt halt and began whining.

"Damnit Noishe! Why do you always have to stop here of all places!" Lloyd shouted and kicked the dog's sides with his boots. "I know you go through here otherwise you would never get home!"

Noishe continued to whine. "Lloyd, he's afraid of monsters! Martel knows why, since he's bigger than all them put together." Genis said.

"DAMNIT NOISHE I SAID GO!" Lloyd gave one final kick and caused Noishe to buck and send them both careening face-first into the cliff side.

After getting rid of the two, Noishe whined loudly and jumped into a nearby tree. Lloyd and Genis soon came to their senses and glared up at the hybrid dog clinging to a branch upside down since he was too heavy to say right side up.

"Wow, never seen him do that before. Now I see why you thought he was part squirrel." Genis muttered in awe.

"NOISHE GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!" Lloyd shouted. Noishe whined. "There's nothing to be afraid of!" Noishe whined again. "Look, I'll prove it!"

Lloyd turned away and searched for a monster, completely ignoring the gigantic bear that was trying to devour Genis at the moment. He then found a small pink topped mushroom with eyes and analyzed it for any type of threatening things about it with a Magic Lens.

"Look Noishe! It's a harmless mushroom! Ha? Ha?" With every 'ha' Lloyd poked the mushroom in the head with his sword.

The mushroom got mad and sprayed pink everywhere. "Huh, what the… hail..?" Lloyd started to feel dizzy and weird when he inhaled the mist by mistake, poisoning him. He wandered around like a drunken person, barely able to stand on his own two feet, till he was tackled from behind by the Minicold and landed on Genis who had finally finished off the bear. "Herro… Genish… Yo mah beshtesht fwend evar!"

"AHHH!" Genis shouted and whapped him with his ball on a string. Considering the fact that Lloyd's HP had gone to one since he had been poisoned, Genis easily killed him with one hit. "Oops…"

I'm embarrassed to say when I first played the game; I couldn't get past the stupid mushrooms. They kept on killing me… -cries-

One Life Bottle later, Lloyd was up and pissed. "Damnit, I hate mushrooms." He glared up at the Noishe, who was still in the tree. "Fine, stay up there! See if I care!" With that said, plus a 'Stupid Squirbit', they got up and left.

Along the way, they battled more enemies, horrendous Hornets, ferocious Rabbits, slimy Slimes, scary Spiders, and many more Minicolds. Lloyd let Genis take care of those while he pulled a Noishe and climbed up a tree. But they also found many good things along the way like Gald and Gels and various bottles of crap! Lloyd spontaneously started a conversation.

"So what's your friend like?" He asked.

Genis twiddled his thumbs. "Well, she's-"

Lloyd cut him off excitedly. "Is she old, wrinkled, brown, have a wet nose, furry, have a good sense of smell and hearing, chases her tail…" The list went on.

"Hey! She's not a dog, she's a human!" Genis shouted. "But I am impressed you knew all those scientific things about dogs." And you'll never know what they are. ;D

"Knew what now?" Genis smacked his forehead. "Oh my…"

Eventually they walked past a turnoff that had a sign that said: "Desian Human Ranch: Unauthorized Personnel Prohibited. Remember the Non-Aggression Treaty, or else you won't have good legs to run away with!"

"Ugh, this place! Anybody who wants to go there is sick-minded and a total dumbass! Why, I'd murder them where they stand if they were to go-"

"Well, this is my stop." Genis chirped and did a little hop skip in the direction of the ranch.

Lloyd's mouth hung open for a while before disregarding what he had said just a few seconds ago. "But you're violating-"

"No I'm not, they already did, remember the temple?" Genis pointed out.

"Good point, let's go and blackmail them!" Lloyd whooped and threw his fist in the air.

Little did they know they were headed towards their demises! Mwahahahaha! Nah, nah, just kidding.

"You got to admit, that line is SO cliché." Zelos said, popping out of no where, flicking his wrist in a very feminine way.

… Shut up.

"Blame your fate!" Kratos shouted and mini Yuan waved around a large sign that said: FREEDOM, in sloppy writing and on the other side said: REBEL.

Okay, now you're all just ganging up on me…

"Oh my goddess it's the Human Ranch!" Lloyd shouted.

… Huh? Oh yeah, back to the story.

So inside the Human Ranch, there were dozens of Desians everywhere with big whips. Next to them there were humans doing back breaking labor by painting the walls all day. In fact, they were DESIGNING the walls. Get it? Design, Desians… Yeah? Yeah? No? Damnit!

One of the Desians cracked a whip. "Hey, I said orange with purple polka-dots! Those are NOT polka-dots! They look like spots!" He took the human by the ear and dragged him to the back. "I'll show you what we do to smartasses like you…"

"Well this place sucks…" Lloyd muttered. Getting tired of him saying that yet?

"Marble!" Genis shouts to an old lady by the fence.

"What!" Marble shouts back before noticing Lloyd coming up behind him. "Did you bring a friend today?"

"We're not really friends, more like I'm the innocent bystander and he's a hitch-hiker. I'm Lloyd!" Lloyd said.

"What!" Marble shouted.

"I'm Lloyd!" Lloyd shouted.

"WHAT!"

"I'M LLOYD!" I'm amazed no one has come running yet.

"Lloyd, she's lost most of her hearing! Speak into the hearing aid." Genis scolded and shoved the said object to him.

"Okay then…" Lloyd raised it to his mouth and screamed. "I'M LLOYD!"

"OUCH! Not so loud sonny." Marble clutched her ear then got a good look at him. "Oh, you younguns are so handsome and cute these days!" She began pinching his cheeks like my grandma used to… ouch.

Genis took back the hearing aid so that Marble couldn't hear Lloyd's cries of pain and strings of curses. "Marble did you see? Did you see? There was an Oracle and Colette's going to fail like the previous Chosen, which is too bad because I want the Desians to stop trying to redesign the world!"

Marble paused from bruising the swordsman's cheeks to acknowledge him. "I would like that too. You have no idea the kinds of ideas they have to redesign the world. Like the sky is going to be purple and many places are going to be green and red! Now I love Christmas and everything, but that's just too much."

Lloyd rubbed his cheeks and noticed the marble in Marble's hand. "Hey grams, you're going to die."

"WHAT!" Marble shouted, not out of shock but because she couldn't hear, causing Genis to kick him in the shin.

"Ow, damnit Genis…" The elf handed him the hearing aid. "Hey Marble, isn't that an Exsphere in your hand?"

"Is that what this is called? I thought the Desians were just making fun of me for having a name like Marble." Marble said with a chuckle.

"Yeah… that is kind of funny!" Lloyd began laughing. "But seriously, you don't have a Key Crest on it so you could die."

"Oh my…"

"WHAT! Then save her Lloyd!" Genis panicked.

"I'm not freaking Superman you know! I can't just fly around the world in search of the special ore, use my laser vision to carve the charm then fly back to stick it on, but risk killing Grams in the process!" Lloyd flared.

"You're very knowledgeable Lloyd." Marble said. She must've just seen him move his mouth a lot and assumed he was saying something really smart.

"Couldn't Dirk make one? He's a skilled craftsman." Genis suggested.

"Hm… Maybe he could. I'll ask him!" Lloyd said as he stroked his chin.

Genis jumped around excitedly. "Thank you thank you thank you, Lloyd! Then we can save Marble!" He went to glomp Lloyd but the swordsman stepped to the side.

"HEY OLD HAG! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ALL THE WAY OVER HERE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PAINTING A WALL NEON PINK!" The Desians shouted from behind.

"WHAT!" Marble shouted back. "Run away!"

"But that neon pink wall seems so tempting." Lloyd whined.

"I know, but we can't stay!" Genis protested and ran away.

"We should at least see what they're going to do with her!" Lloyd shouted as he ran after the elf.

They searched the entire area trying to find someway to see into the ranch till they found the cliff side with flat sides that could be jumped onto. Lloyd whooped when he saw the Action Button said he could jump and got into a pose to jump. He flew through the air in that same pose until he landed. Genis did the same thing, but bothered to get the Orange Gel in the chest before following Lloyd to the edge. There they could see Marble being whipped to paint the wall neon pink faster and faster till it just burned her eyes to look at it! The horror!

"Oh no! Her eyes will have permanent sunspots if she keeps that up!" Genis wailed.

"Here's the plan, you use magic to get their attention and I'll cross-dress to distract them with my sexiness. They'll never even know it's me! While I'm doing that, you just run away!" Lloyd explained his brilliant plan and brought out some make up and a dress. "Dad always wants me to wear this for some reason then makes me do back breaking work."

Genis stared at him blankly. "… OR… you could just run down as is and make sure they don't see your face. Plus, have you ever clued in that I suck at aiming!"

"Oh come on, at least let me use the eye shadow!" Genis glared at him. "Fine… and yes, I do realize that, but you need the practice!"

"Wow that was smart. Okay, let's just rejuvenate ourselves first; I've got some of Colette's cookies." Genis pulled out a baggie of cookies.

"I thought you didn't make anything?" Lloyd asked as he ate a cookie.

"Raine made me make them, but that doesn't mean I have to give them to her." Genis shrugged and ate a cookie too.

"Good point."

So after their life was magically restored by the cookies, Genis cast Fireball on the guards. The Fireballs of course didn't want to cooperate, but they did something just as well. They set the humans nearby on fire. They screamed and flailed as they ran around like idiots, setting fire to everything in sight, even the Desians. Some of the crates filled with spray paint went on fire and started exploding every which way.

"Wow, nice shootin' Tex." Lloyd said and Genis blew the smoke away from his kendama and Lloyd jumped onto one of the pillars.

"Damnit! I knew we should've invested in some metal crates instead!" One Desian complained then spotted Lloyd. "There's the perpetrator! Open the gates!"

Several Desians went running out the gate just as Lloyd ran past. Genis on the other hand was walking, walking, walking till BAM! FACED!

"OW DAMN YOU FATE! DAMN YOU!" Genis shouted to the sky.

Somewhere else, Kratos was saying blame your fate.

"What the hell was that!" One Desian shouted and went towards where Genis was. "Let's check it out."

"CRAP GENIS!" Lloyd gave a sharp whistle towards the Desians and they all turned on him. "No, check THIS out!" Lloyd pulled down his pants and mooned them.

Then there was a very graphic scene where Desians died slow painful deaths. Unfortunately Genis saw too and ran like hell to find some water to sterilize his eyes. More Desians ran out, this time with visors, so Lloyd had to run clumsily with his pants still down till he jumped off a cliff.

"YABBA DABBA DOOOO!" He shouted as he jumped as well.

Meanwhile, Genis was running along the path, after dunking his head in a stream, till he noticed Lloyd landing and jumping towards him. "Lloyd! I'm sorry, because- PUT YOUR PANTS ON!" He shaded his eyes as Lloyd pulled up his pants.

"You're a wimp, you know that? You can't handle seeing someone's butt."

"… It wasn't your butt that I was seeing just now."

"What the hell are you- Oh…" Lloyd scratched his cheek embarrassedly. "Well THAT I can understand."

"Anyways, they saw your face… and a little more… I need to use Raine's mind eraser when I get home."

"Come on, I have a nice ass… okay fine. They're dead now so it'll be alright as long as we get out of here. I mean, they had wooden crates! What are the chances that they would have surveillance cameras or something? Just do my homework for me." Lloyd said.

"Uh… okay." Genis said, but smirked when he realized that there had been no homework that day. "Here, take my equipment so that I won't seem suspicious."

Lloyd was more than happy. "Sure, no pro- HEY! Where's the fifty-thousand Gald!" He looked up to see Genis running away.

"I'm not that stupid, sucker!" He waved the wallet around in his grip.

The camera panned up the cliff side till it landed on a colorful teal haired man who was staring down blankly. "Analyze the data from the hidden security cameras. Those inferior beings probably believe that since we have wooden crates, we don't have any." He ordered. "How could a mere human make that kind of jump..?"

"Yes sir! But… the fire is getting out of hand."

The man growled under his breath. "Call Kvar and say I'll have to cancel his Dental appointment. Thank Martel though, that guy have the worst dental hygiene ever!"

* * *

**Aisu: **Hehe... Lloyd is so 'cheeky'. XD; It's funny because it would never happen.

Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review!

The next chapter is set and will be sent in the future. My next update will be for ToH on Friday though. Till then!


	6. Fake Daddies and Random Conversations

_Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters_

**Aisu:** Yet another chapter of Insanity! Thank you **ShadowofUndine, Sunfrost, Arikai Belnades** and **Number 15** for reviewing last chapter, along with the anonymous people who simply read this story! I'm pleased that people actually like this!

I personally like to go into every detail in the game and input the humor rather than everything rushed and crunched into one chapter. Sometimes I take shortcuts, but that's only because I don't have anything to really go on at a certain point. There's only like a one percent chance I'll even finish this story, let alone get them to Tethe'alla. I'm not very good when it comes to long LONG stories like this. My main focus is ToH because I've gotten so far in it and I really don't want to quit! I'm almost halfway done! I have it all played out in my mind! GAH! That's why I'm trying not to find new obsessions so I can stay content on finishing it.

While these two stories are going on, I haven't even started my mystery story. I would need to put all other projects aside so I could work on it, but I just can't do that. Fanfiction is catching up fast to my lastest chapter of ToH and then I promised myself I wouldn't get mixed up in this fic... Damnit! This was the kind of stress I was trying to avoid! I may have to just forget about the mystery story...

Argh, sorry, I'm a little stressed out right now, with this and real life. I'm finished ranting so just enjoy the chapter. Reading it again really made me feel better. It's always nice to have a laugh when you're under pressure.

**NOTE:** This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, **SPOILERS **and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!

* * *

Chapter 6: Fake Daddies and Random Conversations

Lloyd Irving, the split personality swordsman, was skipping home happily. He hacked and he slashed all the monsters in his way to pieces till they were nothing but a gory mess at his feet as he did a victory pose; you know, the one where he throws his swords in the air catches them then puts them back in his sheathes. Well, that's not very funny now is it? Let's make it a bit funnier, shall we?

Lloyd threw both swords in the air and they twirled all cool-like. "Just wasn't your day, HAHA!" He put out his hands to catch them but they were no where to be found. "What the hell?" He looked up to see they were lodged in a tree branch above his head. Though you could barely tell the difference because the swords were basically twigs themselves. "Damnit! Not again!"

Lloyd jumped into the air, defying the laws of the Action Button, and held onto the swords in both hands and started to shift his weight in order to loosen them. He then fell down flat on his back when he lost his grip. Unfortunately, the swords slipped out and spun till the points were coming straight for his face. He screamed and saw Kratos laughing at him in his mind for some reason. Fortunately, the swords only landed millimeters from piercing his ears, leaving him with only a couple splinters.

"Note to self: Never do that in a forest EVER." Lloyd said and lifted a pointed finger to make it final.

It took him a while to get up and finally leave because of shock, but when he did, he did. He slaughtered any monsters in his way and cooked them into tasty sandwiches when he felt like it. But of course he ate the fillings and threw away the bread for monsters to eat. He came across a branch with a bag on it so he when to nab anything that may be in it. He went to put his hand in but the 'bag' snarled and attempted to bite his hand off.

"IT'S A FAKE!" Lloyd screamed and ran away as the bag chased him everywhere he went.

Luckily, the Fake was afraid of water so when Lloyd tripped and fell in the river, it snuffed and went back to its branch once more. Poor Lloydie was thoroughly soaked to the bone to he spent a while running around and finding a few items before he dried off. Finally he left the forest and breathed in fresh air.

"Finally! I'm out of that hellhole!" He gaped when he saw Noishe standing right in front of him. He pointed at the dog accusingly. "I KNEW IT! You went through the forest and managed to get by me while I was about to be killed by a bag! Some 'man's best friend' you are!"

Noishe cocked his head to the side as Lloyd stomped off. In his mind, he was probably thinking: "Doesn't he know there's such a thing as going AROUND a forest?" But Noishe can't say that out loud so he just sighed through his nose and said, "Whine."

Back with our lovable, split personality swordsman, he was walking along the path, killing many more monsters along the way. Luckily, the path was short so he finally reached his destination, safe and sound and stared at the rundown shack he called home. It was a pretty damn awesome rundown shack though because it had a terrace! I want one in front of my room…

Lloyd, before entering the house, went over to the grave near by the house. "Yo, Mom! I'm home! I got that water you wanted!" He walked over to the grave and dumped a bucket of water in front of it. "I don't know why you want so much water though since you're dead. I mean, you sound so desperate in my dreams."

From heaven, Anna could be seen with a halo over her head and angel wings coming out of her back. "IT'S BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKING WATER IN HEAVEN! NOBODY ELSE IS STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THEIR DREAMS!" She went to fly away but then turned back. "I LOVE YOU!"

With his chore done, Lloyd went to enter the house when Noishe bit on his scarves. "Yes, yes, Noishe, I'll get you your dinner right now." The dog whined happily before trotting off to his stall.

Lloyd opened the door and was met with a punch to the face. "What took you so long, kid!"

"Hey Dad, why do you always greet me with punches to the face? And why can't I return them?" Lloyd asked as he wiped the blood away from his mouth.

The short man with a bushy beard and dirty overalls did a little jig. "I sticking to the Dwarven Vows. Dwarven Vow Number 45: Greet your son with a violent gesture, but remember no punch-backs."

"Oh in that case!" The poor kid… "Hey Dad, could you make me a Key Crest?"

"No, I'm busy!" Dirk snapped and ate some pudding at the table.

"But DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! They're the hottest new accessory right now!" Lloyd whined.

"You already got one."

"But I saw someone today with an Exsphere but no Key Crest-" Lloyd slapped a hand over his mouth after having just blown his cover.

Dirk shot him a look. "Where did you find someone like that?"

Lloyd scuffed his boot on the floor. "I went to see the Oracle and a traveling mercenary who talked to his shoulder a lot had a HUGE one right out in the open."

"What's that smell?" Dirk asked causing Lloyd to get confused. "Oh yeah, IT'S BULLSHIT! You went to the ranch didn't you?"

Lloyd scuffed his boot again. "No…"

"Dwarven Vow Number 68: Don't lie to your elder's and betters." Dirk snapped.

"FINE! I DID! DON'T HURT ME!" Lloyd threw up his hands in defense.

"Did they see your Exsphere?"

"No… Why's mine so important? Mr. Hot Stuff had his right out in the open. In fact, sometimes it would zoom around his head and he would yell at it. It was really disturbing…"

"Yours is special. In fact, it's SO special that the Desians killed yo mama trying to get it away from her!" Dirk admitted.

Lloyd was like: D: till it was night time. Dirk finished his pudding in that amount of time. He got worried though when Lloyd continued to be like that and waved a hand in front of his face, calling his name.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME!" Lloyd shouted suddenly and caused Dirk to be blown back into the wall.

"Your mother was still alive at that time and told me! I never told you because that's not what kidnappers do!" Dirk exclaimed.

Lloyd once again returned to the 'D:' expression, but shorter this time. "You mean… You kidnapped me? You're not my real daddy?"

"Why do you think I make you do back breaking work in a dress!" Dirk shouted.

Lloyd pieced it all together in his mind. "I knew Mom would never go for someone as hairy as you!" He received a punch to the face that made him fly back and break the door. "I'LL FIND MY REAL DADDY AND HE'LL KICK YOUR ASS!" He heard a sneeze and looked to his left to see Genis, Colette, Raine and Kratos, who was spinning around in circles shouting curses and swatting at something invisible. "Oh, so you heard that just now?"

"Sucks to be you…" Genis muttered.

"I'll get over it." Lloyd shrugged before wiping his face of blood once again. He saw Kratos had caught whatever it was and was shouting at his fists that were clenching something invisible. "Kratos, what the hell are you doing?"

Kratos looked up and hid whatever it was behind his back. "Nothing, carry on."

Raine went up to Lloyd and crouched down to his level putting one hand on his head. "Lloydie, I think you should talk to Colette. We'll be down here just in case, okay hunny?"

Lloyd scowled and pouted. "But I don't WANT to talk to Colette! I want to find my real daddy and have him kick ugly daddy's ass!"

"Oh come on Lloyd!" Colette cried. "It'll be so much fun! I'll even give you something nice."

Lloyd had a mix of emotions just then. Excitement, disgust, horror, confusion, sadness, anger, more anger, and freaking pissed. He sighed and put his hands behind his head casually.

"FINE! But just give me a few minutes. If I know my real daddy, he would be looking for mom; therefore he'll be by the grave!"

"Okay, I'll be on the bench. You better come back!" She shouted for good measure.

Lloyd shrugged and went around the house. He was cut off by Genis who wanted to talk to him about not having a real dad, and the whole Key Crest business. He was then cut off by Raine who was crying about how much she would miss him. Lloyd ran away screaming when she wanted to give him a goodbye hug. Then he marched off to his mom's grave to find… DUN, DUN, DUN… Kratos!

"Kratos! You're my real daddy? MY LIFE IS RUINED!" Lloyd cried.

Kratos yelped and turned to him waving his hands like a maniac. "No, no, no! I caught sight of the grave and went to check it out!"

"Oh, okay then." Lloyd took a bucket of water and dumped it on his mom's grave.

Kratos stared at him like he had just grown an arm out of his head. "What are you doing?"

"In my dreams, Mom always yells at me to dump water on her grave. So I do." He finished pouring the water then threw the bucket over his shoulder, hitting Genis by accident.

"…" Kratos wasn't sure what to think as mini-Yuan was all but dying of laughter.

Annoyed with the small conscience's hysterical chortling, he flicked him off his shoulder. "What was that?" Lloyd asked since to him, it looked like the man had just flicked nothing.

"Mosquito…" Kratos coughed before recomposing himself. "Anyways, I assume your father is dead?"

"NO! He's alive and he's going to kick short daddy's ass after I kick his ass for abandoning me!" Lloyd shouted.

Kratos inched away subconsciously. "I… think I'll leave now."

In heaven, Anna was crying. "NO! COME BACK YOU SEXY BEAST! I LOVE YOU!"

With Kratos and Yuan. "You know, you should tell him sooner or later. Or I might out of boredom." Yuan said while stretching and yawning. Laughing your head off takes a lot out of you.

"Not now, I don't feel like having my ass kicked by a hairy shrimp." Kratos muttered, afraid to admit he was actually terrified by Lloyd's kidnapper father.

"Wuss…"

"I know. I'm ashamed of myself too…"

Lloyd, oblivious to everything around him, went to go and find Colette to talk to her and was about to when he heard growling. "Huh- OH CRAP! I forgot to feed you Noishe!" He then ran inside, jumping over Dirk like a hurdle since he was short enough, got the Proto-Bites which were Noishe's dinner, jumped over Dirk once more, then went back to see Noishe lying belly up in his stall. "NO! NOISHE! I sorry I didn't give you dinner! Here, I'll give you extra to make up for it!"

Lloyd filled Noishe's doggie dish till it was overflowing and walked away to put away the food. Noishe got up immediately after, not really playing dead, and ate quite happily. Sneaky dog… After the swordsman put away the food, he felt quite tired, forgot all about Colette and went to bed in his little Noishe PJs and night cap. Huh… I never knew he could be that dim. That left everyone wandering around aimlessly for the rest of the night, except for Kratos because he got wise and left.

Lloyd woke up at around eight because he had been so excited about going on the journey with Colette and the others… wait…

"SHIT!" Lloyd screamed and ran out on the terrace in his pajamas and everything to see Colette sitting there contently while Genis and Raine were sleeping on the lawn. If you looked closely, you could see cobwebs here and there hanging off of Colette. "Um… Colette?"

Colette was jogged out of her sleep and saw Lloyd up on the terrace. "Oh, are you ready Lloyd?" She got up and went inside the house to get to where he was.

Lloyd sighed in relief that she wasn't mad. Maybe she was just having a mood swing again and was really pissed on the inside. He looked up to see Colette entering through the door to the terrace now. Then he realized he left the necklace in his room. Now for a good lie…

"Um, Colette? Fake Dad ate the necklace I made for you."

BRILLIANT!

"The poor necklace!" Colette cried. "Oh well though, my birthday was yesterday so it doesn't really matter now. But I do expect you to make another to make up for it!"

"… Okay. Can I come with you on the journey, please! I want to get back at the Desians for killing Mom and find my real Dad so I can kick his ass for abandoning me and have him kick Fake Dad's ass for kidnapping me." Lloyd pleaded.

"But there will be many SCARY monsters on the way…" She said eerily and waved her hands around for an added scary effect.

"I know." Lloyd replied simply.

Colette thought for a moment. "Okay, come to the village at noon sharp. If you come even a millisecond before or after, you can't come."

"Okay, noon sharp, got it!"

"I'll see Remiel at the next seal, then I'll get my wings, then I unlock the rest of the seals and then…"

"… You get screwed over by the angels and fail right?" Lloyd added.

"Sure. Let's go with that." Colette laughs nervously. "I'm gonna kick ass!"

"Me too!" Lloyd declares.

The door to the terrace opens and Genis and Raine could be seen yawning. "Colette, dear, let's go so we can get ready." Raine said.

"Yeah, Dirk woke us up by beating us with brooms…" Genis yawned grouchily and they both left.

"Okay, see at noon sharp Lloyd, no more, no less." Colette was about to leave when she glanced back at him. "Oh and nice PJs."

Lloyd blushed when he realized he was still in his Noishe pajamas. He looked over the terrace to see they were all waving at him so he waved back.

"Now I can catch a couple more hours of sleep…" Lloyd yawned and went back to bed.

As planned, he woke up a couple hours later, packed a few things and got dressed. He then decided to apologize to Dirk because he, after all, put up with him all those years. He noticed he wasn't in the workshop so he went outside to see him watering Anna's grave.

"Hey Fake Dad, why are you watering Mom's grave? That's my job." Lloyd asked.

"I'll need to do it while you're gone so I thought I would practice." Dirk replied and handed him a bracelet. "Here's the Key Crest you wanted, now you can't say I never did anything for you except make you do work in a dress."

"Wow, thanks!" Lloyd beamed and took the Key Crest.

"I'm just going along with the teachings. Dwarven Vow Number 453: Always award your fake son, even if he's a total dumbass. I also packed a few things for you."

Lloyd grimaced at the objects. "Two Apple Gels, a Life Bottle, and a Map… Wow… you shouldn't have… You're letting me go?"

"Yes, you're free now. You'll always be my Fake Son, regardless of the fact that I kidnapped you." Dirk grinned. "Never forget Dwarven Vow Number 7."

Lloyd whined. "That's the crappiest vow you ever taught me…"

"SAY IT!"

"Goodness and Love will always win… I feel stupid just saying it…"

"Now run along scamp! Just remember I can't clean the gutters myself and come back!" Dirk said.

"Okay, NOISHE WE'RE LEAVING!" Lloyd shouted and Noishe came running along with Genis. "Genis, what are you doing here?"

"Lloyd, Colette left already! She said ten o'clock sharp!" Genis shouted at him.

"No, she said noon sharp." Lloyd said panicking a bit.

"ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING! I came because you never showed up!" The elf flared.

"Why… why would she do this to me..?" Lloyd asked the heavens and fell to his knees.

"Lloyd, go to Iselia and find out!" Dirk said and booted him to his feet.

So Lloyd and Genis rode Noishe to Iselia as if it were a wild west chase scene… or just really fast.

* * *

**Aisu:** I really liked this chapter. 'Fake Dad ate the necklace I made for you'... I love that part so much for some reason. 

Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review!

Yeah, next update will be for ToH on Friday. I'm a little under the weather right now and don't really have any motivation to type another backup chapter for Insanity. I don't know when I'll update this next. So I'm going to stick to my goal and work on ToH while this is on the side when I get bored! And if I'm bored with both of them, then I'll start my mystery story! Till then!


	7. Pizza Monsters and Banishment

_Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters_

**Aisu: **I finally made a back-up chapter for this! Thank you **Sunfrost, Kitsu Kurasei, **and **ShadowofUndine** for reviewing last chapter along with the anonymous people who simply read this.

Amazingly enough, I don't have anything to say. Anyways, enjoy the chapter! And the 'X' things are the break offs because the rulers aren't working for some reason.

**NOTE:** This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, **SPOILERS **and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!

**- X -**

Chapter 7: Pizza Monsters and Banishment

It had taken them a while before they finally reached Iselia. Noishe had climbed up a tree once again when they wanted to go through the forest, causing Lloyd to have another huge fit, so they had to run through on foot. Of course, the monsters weren't going to cooperate and just let them go by so… they had to fight. They even ran into the Fake again! Lloyd had to draw his swords, wave them around erratically while screaming bloody murder and charge through the mass of them, Genis just screaming for the hell of it. They left yet another gory mess behind them while the Fake chased them out of the forest.

"Damnit… I really need to find a new route home…" Lloyd wheezed as he crouched on the outskirts of Iselia.

"Maybe you should follow Noishe for once…" Genis panted on his back as he pointed at the dog sitting in front of them confused.

"Noishe…" Lloyd whined and fell on top of the dog. "Why must you do this to me..?" Poor guy must've been close to tears by now.

Noishe simply whined and licked his face. Another hour passed till Lloyd and Genis finally regained consciousness and continued towards Iselia. The sentry there spotted them and waved them over.

"Lloyd, Phaidra is looking for you." He said.

"How could she? She's dead." Lloyd mumbled sleepily before his eyes shot open. "Maybe she's come back from the grave!"

"Oh wait, sorry, I meant to say Frank." The sentry chuckled at his mistake.

"Let's go then Lloyd." Genis said till he noticed he had his twig swords out and was whipping his head every which way.

"Ghosts… everywhere… coming to get me…" The swordsman muttered fearfully.

Genis sighed and kicked him in the shin like he always does to get his friend straight but yelped when Lloyd's fist crashed into his head in return. "OW!"

"Ow my ass! You kicked me first!" Lloyd snapped and began limping towards Frank's home, completely forgetting about ghosts, while the elf stumbled behind him clutching his head.

Along the way, they began another pointless conversation to take their minds off the pain. "What do Dirk and you do to get money to sustain your lives?" Genis asked.

"Well, I get my daily allowance by doing chores in a pink frilly dress and Fake Dad carves crap out of more crap by request." Lloyd thought out loud tapping his chin thoughtfully. "It all makes sense now that I know that he actually kidnapped me. He made me memorize ten Dwarven Vows before every meal so if I got just one wrong, he wouldn't feed me. That happened a lot so I gained a love for Proto-Bites." He dug around in his pockets, pulled out some of Noishe's dog kibble and popped some of it in his mouth.

Genis cringed. "Your life sucks… That's all I have to say to you." They both looked up and noticed that Colette's house was just right in front of them. "Wow; that really did pass the time."

They noticed the Save Circle beside the house but chose to ignore it, figuring it wasn't foreshadowing to future events. What would be the chances of something like that? Like last time, they barged in without even knocking and saw Frank sitting there… still eating hot dogs… This makes me sick just writing it since I hate hot dogs myself…

"Ugh… so many hotdogs…" Frank groaned and rubbed his stomach before taking another bite… Excuse me while I go get sick.

"Frank, is it true Colette left already?" Lloyd demanded. "I don't believe Genis anymore!"

"Yes… she even wrote you a note while she was in the bathroom…" Frank moaned and put the said note on the table. He didn't have the strength to move it further and Lloyd wasn't about to move anytime soon so he blew it the rest of the way.

Lloyd picked it up and read:

_**Dear Lloyd,**_

**_By the time you read this, I'll be dead! That is if you ate breakfast this morning and ate the sleeping drug. If not, then damnit! You're a stupid moron! I can't believe you actually believed me when I said you could go with me! I'm sorry for everything I said before this sentence, I'm doing all this on the toilet so I can't erase it! I'm going to try to be the best Chosen ever and actually make it to the final seal then get screwed over unlike the last Chosen. Anyways, I'm gone now so don't try to follow me or anything! Oh my… I think I'm going to cry… Live long and prosper in the forever _**–beep-**_ed up world._**

_**So long suckers,**_

_**Colette**_

_**PS: I still expect you to at least mail that necklace to me!**_

"Ew… it's still wet from tears! Wait, she did this in the bathroom then- AHHHH!" He threw the note aside to wipe his hands off on his shirt. "That's sick!"

"No, you're sick for thinking that!" Genis snapped.

"There's… something we always kept a secret from you and the villagers…" Frank sighed. "Colette is-"

"Planning to murder us all in our sleep?" Lloyd finished. "We already know that."

"NO! Colette's-"

**KABOOM!**

"What the hell!" Genis shouted.

"Go see what it is…" Frank groaned. "I can't… move…"

"Let's go, Shorty!" Lloyd commanded and slammed open the door so they could view the destruction in all its glory.

Various houses had been blown to pieces; the Desians were everywhere vandalizing the village with their leet messages in spray paint and paintball guns. The school was being defended by a lone sentry who must've been pretty anti-social and thought he was totally awesome, and another house was having spray paint cans thrown into it to make the flames bigger. Everyone else was in the plaza staring at the teal haired man with a giant gold arm. Funny thing was that nobody really gave a damn about Colette's house so Genis just lit some garbage on fire by it with the Sorcerer's Ring. It would spread eventually, don't worry!

"Holy crap, this place is so much livelier now that the Desians are here!" Lloyd shouted in awe.

"You think! We need to help everyone! Maybe they'll give us something for doing so!" Genis thought greedily.

So they first went down the path to the house that was on fire from all the spray paint. "BURN BABY BURN! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" A Desian shouted excitedly.

"Fred, you've always been the pyromaniac down at the station…" The other sighed and armed himself with a paintball gun when he saw Lloyd and Genis watching them. "We've been spotted! Hurry up and- Oh noes…" He wailed when Lloyd smacked him silly with his twig sword.

Genis was going to attack the other Desian but decided to take pity since he was so entranced by the fire. So instead, he jacked his paintball gun! Lloyd did the same and soon they were walking down the path with black sunglasses and black jackets like Terminators! This joke coming from someone who hasn't even seen the Terminator movies! YAY! They then came across the school where the anti-social sentry was weakly trying to defend it.

Lloyd loaded his paintball gun. "Let's go."

They both shot at the Desians mercilessly till they nothing but a colorful mess.

"Inferior… beings…" One Desian wheezed.

Genis took a few extra shots at him. "Austa La Vista, Baby."

"Oh thanks for you help! Here's an Apple and Orange Gel!" The sentry praised.

Lloyd looked down at the gifts then at the sentry. The sentry cringed then screamed as he was blasted by bright yellow and crumpled to the ground. Lloyd blew the smoke away from the end of his gun.

"I'll be back." He said in an intense tone before leaving.

As they left, Lloyd and Genis ditched the costumes since they ran out of ammo. Unfortunately the Desians from before only had spray cans so they had to do this the old fashioned way. Sigh… Anyways, Genis shouted and cried as he saw his house up in flames.

"NO! Raine's going to be upset when she comes back to find all her artifacts up in smoke!" He sighed in defeat. "There goes our thirty-sixth home… I thought we finally found a place to stay permanently…"

"What the hell are you blathering about Genis?" Lloyd demanded as he threw a lone spray can in the fire.

"LLOYD!" Genis shouted in protest.

They argued for a while till they heard someone shout. "LLOYD IRVING STEP FORTH!"

"Huh? Oh, that's me." Lloyd and Genis ran to the middle of the plaza, in front of everyone else. "WHY must you pick on this crappy town out of all the others in the world!" He demanded.

"We never pick on this village." A random Desian said confused.

"Forget it, he's got a split personality and that was the dumbass part speaking." Lloyd flipped off the teal-haired man. "And that's the evil side. Anyways, I am Forcystus, Orthodontic Professional of the Five Desian Grand Cardinals! I'm a superior half-elf who is canceling five dental appointments today just so I can punish you, Lloyd Irving."

"Why punish me?" Lloyd asked confused.

"You have violated the Non-Aggression Treaty so I bring judgment upon you and this village."

"Again, why punish me? He's been going there for Martel only knows how long!" Lloyd pointed accusingly at Genis.

"You snitch!" Genis growled then turned his attention back to the Desians. "But you violated the Treaty too trying to kill the Chosen."

"Um, you're a little screwed in the head kid, we never attacked the Chosen." The Desian thought for a moment then turned to the one beside him. "Did we?"

"No! I must be THEM who tried." He answered with a mysterious tone.

"Can't you ever be straight forward!" Lloyd shouted.

"We have no reason to answer to the likes of you. All that matters is that you, Lloyd Irving, have been in contact with host body M192 and attacked our guards." Forcystus announced.

"Um, Lord Forcystus, you just called that old hag a male." A random Desian pointed out.

"Huh? Oh, I ment to say F192."

Lloyd was almost hysterical. "WHAT ABOUT HIM!" He continued to wave his finger at Genis.

"The Desians are after you! What have you done! How many times did we tell you not to go near the ranch!" The Mayor shouted.

"Excuse me, but it's kind of hard considering it's on the way to my house." Lloyd said in a 'duh' fashion.

"We have prepared an appropriate opponent to break each and every one of your legs!" Forcystus said.

From outside the village came a giant green monster with long arms and legs. It only had a small ball on what must be its face for an eye. It came wobbling up on its uneven legs till it was in front of everyone.

"Wha-What the hell is that thing!" Genis shouted in fright.

"It's a giant Pizza Monster!" Lloyd screamed and shaded his face when the monster was ACTUALLY going for his legs. But for some reason, it swiped at his face and ripped off the white handkerchief that was protecting his Exsphere. "Damn, I feel so naked without that cloth around my hand."

"Okay, I guess I'll help you fight it too…" Genis sighed and took out his kendama, but then realized something. "Lloyd, we haven't refreshed in a LONG time."

Lloyd checked his stats. "Oh… shit…" All their stats were critically low.

They both looked up in time to see the monster's arm smash into them.

_And no one ever saw them again…_

NO! I never saved once either! You know what that means… You have to read chapter one to seven all over again! MWAHAHAHAHA! By the way, this is a true story. My memory card wasn't working properly… –cries-

"Once upon a time, there was a tree. And it wasn't just any tree; it was a magic tree-"

… Okay, let's not do that. Let's just imagine that they went through that journey ALL over again and were a little more careful by saving, refreshing often, et cetera. Back to where we left off before we died!

"It's a giant Pizza Monster!" Lloyd screamed and shaded his face when the monster was ACTUALLY going for his legs. But for some reason, it swiped at his face and ripped off the white handkerchief that was protecting his Exsphere. "Damn, I feel so naked without that cloth around my hand."

"Okay, I guess I'll help you fight it too…" Genis sighed and took out his kendama.

So the fight begun, it was all Lloyd smacking the Pizza Monster with his twig swords and Genis was just in the background, failing at aiming. The monster kept on swiping upwards and Lloyd went flying. He evil personality kicked in, or I just kept on getting pissed from being tossed around so much, and he smacked like his life depended on it and jumped away when it came time. But the monster also got wiser and used bigger scarier attacks like Insane Cell. But, since I can't think of anything funny for this battle, they continued slapping and casting and Demon Fanging/Sword Raining till the monster was finished.

"Lord Forcystus! That boy has the Exsphere you've been looking for!" A random gossiping Desian shouted.

"The Angelus Project! Give it here!" Forcystus demands.

"Gimme, gimme never gets, don't you know your manners yet?" Lloyd shouted. "It's mine to remember the fact that you murdered my mommy!"

The Dental specialist frowned. "What are you on? Your mother was-"

Right at that moment, he was cut off when the Pizza Monster glomped him from behind! "… RuN…aWaY… gEnIs… LlOyD…" It said eerily.

Genis' eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "Was that… Marble!"

"It can't be! Grams isn't a giant Pizza Monster bent on breaking people's legs!" Lloyd gasped.

"UgH… gEnIs… YoU wErE lIkE a GrAnDsOn To Me… LlOyD… yOu SuCk At FiGhTiNg… ReAd KrAtOs' TrAiNiNg MaNuAl FoR oNcE dUmBaSs… GoOdByE…" With that insult done, she exploded right on top of Forcystus and a red marble rolls towards Genis.

"No! Protect Lord Forcystus!" Then all the Desians hugged him.

"Lloyd, as long as you hold that Exsphere, we'll continue to come after you. ALWAYS!" Forcystus shouted. "Now get me back to the base, I need to fix my chipped tooth."

"Marble… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Genis shouts dramatically to the sky and the camera pans out as the Desians leave.

When it comes back, everyone is glaring at Lloyd, including Genis for some reason. Plus no one was doing a flipping thing to put out the fires… or putting that poor pyromaniac Desian out of his misery by the house back there.

"Look what you've done! It's your entire fault you Dwarf-Child!" The Mayor began screaming like a moron.

"Whoa, whoa, you can't call me that! I was kidnapped by a dwarf!" Lloyd flared back.

"Whatever the reason, it's still your fault! Plus the Desians have marked you as their sworn enemy! If you're here, then we'll never be boring like when we started out!"

"Wait a minute! You're going to banish him?" Genis shouted and jumped in front of Lloyd defensively.

"Yes."

"Tch… lot of help you are…" Lloyd muttered since he could easily just push Genis aside.

"It's not fair! He didn't do anything wrong! He just saved Marble and everyone here by defeating her!" Genis growled.

"Any involvement with the ranch is strictly forbidden, there are no exceptions!" The Mayor countered.

"Hello!" Lloyd shouted and pointed at Genis. "Is anybody listening to me when I say he was there too!"

Of course he was ignored. "So it's okay for the people at the ranch to die from paint inhalation and poisoning so long as the village is safe?" Genis tries to talk some sense into these idiots.

"But of course! If you hadn't gone there, they'd have been the only ones to die." He replied with hidden insanity.

Genis bowed his head. "You humans are all bastards…"

Lloyd snorted. "Easy on the drama there kid." He shoved Genis aside and stared the Mayor in the eyes. "Banish me if you want. I DARE you."

"I will." He glared back.

Lloyd snapped his fingers and turned away. "Damnit, he called my bluff!"

"Mayor, have mercy! Will someone just PLEASE think of the children!" A woman shouted dramatically.

"What are you saying? Do you realize how many people have died because of him!" A man said, who sounded just like Lloyd trying horribly to make his voice sound different. Really! Play the scene again if you don't believe me!

Genis moves in front of Lloyd again. "I'm just as guilty! I kept on kicking him until he would come take me to the ranch! So therefore, I'm to blame!"

"But for some reason, they've seen Lloyd instead of you. Besides, he's a foreigner, raised by a dwarf-"

"KIDNAPPED by a dwarf!" Lloyd corrected.

"Then try not to miss me because I'm leaving too!" Genis decided.

The Mayor thought for a moment for some strange reason. The asshole... "Fine then, since everyone undoubtedly agrees with me and can't do crap about it, I declare the banishment of Lloyd Irving and Genis Sage from the village of Iselia."

"GET OUT!" Everyone shouts.

They stood stoically till everyone left. It was then that Frank rolled in… literally… but of course, with a hotdog in hand… -throws up-

"Argh… sorry I took so long… what happened?" Frank asked.

"We were banished…" Lloyd muttered bitterly.

"Hm… then follow Colette on her journey. She's on her way to Triet Desert. I'm sure she would like it if you joined her, even if she didn't sound like it in her letter. If the world is saved for once, maybe everyone will change their minds about you." Frank said.

"Whoop-dee –beep-ing doo… fine, I'll do it to find my real Dad and… maybe help out Colette. But mainly finding my real Dad and avenging those who died because of me…" Lloyd sighed.

"I'll stick by you always Lloyd. I will never leave you in the same room as my sister for a long period of time." Genis said with a weak grin as he glanced down at Marble's Exsphere.

"… Maybe it'll improve your aim a bit if you use that Exsphere. I'll show you how to equip it later since this is going to be a LONG ass journey…" Lloyd said and Genis nodded.

"Don't throw your lives away." Frank called as the two left through the gate and greeted Noishe before mounting him and setting off.

**LLOYD OBTAINED THE TITLE: DRIFTING SWORDSMAN**

**- X -**

**Aisu: **Humor was lacking in this chapter, since it's hard to make something so serious funny without stealing someone else's ideas... Ah well, I tried. Next chapter is funnier though I think.

I submitted The Meltokio Castle Murder Case a while ago and you can all read it if you're interested. I need to start the next chapter for it... as well as another chapter for... well, everything. XD;

To any who are curious, I got the idea of Forcystus being a Orthodontist when someone compared his fake arm to a giant tongue depressor... yeah. I got other things planned for the Cardinals though. ;D ... As well as Sheena. I have a 'hopefully' unique idea for her. Oh! And a 'hopefully' unique idea for Raine too!

Anyways... Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review!


	8. Hallucinations and Stupid Fortune Teller

_Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters_

**Aisu: **Thank you **judaspriest, Barbako, ShadowofUndine, StarlightDemonFiresong, Number 15 **and** Kitsu Kurasei** for reviewing last chapter!

If you didn't read my A/N on ToH, updates are going to be scarce starting September when my brother is taking away his computer. I'll be doing everything in my power to try and update though!

This is an... odd chapter. Odd and violent. Maybe on the levels of odd as Chapter 1. I dunno. Enjoy anyways!

**NOTE:** This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, **SPOILERS **and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!

**- X -**

Chapter 8: Hallucinations and Stupid Fortune Tellers

Soon after their banishment, Lloyd and Genis made their way out of Iselia riding on top of their faithful pooch Noishe. Well, he wasn't so faithful when it came to monsters. He would buck them both off, run to the nearest tree and hide in it till the battle was over. But that didn't happen for a while because the two boys were still in shock from being thrown to the ground and took a REDICULOUS amount of damage from the monsters. When they actually DID finish, Noishe came back, five steps later, they were bucked off again, until they got wise and DIDN'T ride Noishe. When all was said and done, they were both in a critical state and wasted more than half their stock by the time they reached the outskirts of the House of Salvation.

"Why didn't my beret protect me!" Genis wailed as he shook the said hat. You know the armor/accessories you equip?

"Because it's a freaking hat!" Lloyd shouted, "It's about as useful as the boots we bought!" He raised his left foot to show he had two pairs of boots on. The second pair was torn and ripped as if it had been forced over the first pair… which was most likely what had occurred.

"But… he assured me that my defense would go up… I got it from the Mayor after all." Genis muttered but then realization dawned on him. "Damnit!"

"I thought that looked familiar!" Lloyd gasped, threw Genis' beret to the ground, aimed Genis' hand so that the Sorcerer's Ring would set the hat on fire, and shot. "Phew… that was a close one. You could've been the next May- Uh oh…" Apparently half-dead grass is flammable. They walked away whistling innocently as an inferno grew behind them.

The positive thing about the forest fire was that monsters didn't bother them after that. The negative was well… you know. Dumb and Dumber walked towards the House of Salvation which was in hysterics because of the fire. But of course, no one was doing a damn thing about it. Genis pulled on Lloyd's scarves to make the boy stop.

"I know all the people here are probably dumbasses, but let's ask if they've seen Colette come by." Genis suggested.

"Geez, you didn't have to strangle me to tell me that." Lloyd growled.

"But your scarves are attached to your collar, not your throat." The elf pointed out as he walked up to a man with a large backpack, ignoring the boy's protests. "Hey, did the Chosen's Group pass by here?"

"I see a lot of things… I never step away from this spot. What did she look like?" The guy asked.

Genis thought for a moment. "Well, she's blond, likes to kill things that offend her, and she's on twenty-four seven PMS."

"Oh, this girl?" The guy took a hand drawn picture out of his backpack. It was an amazing drawing of Colette with beautiful shading, coloring, and was fine detailed.

"Wow, this is pretty cool, you did it?" Genis awed.

The guy scratched the back of his head. "Yeah… I drew it… Let's go with that. Are you on a pilgrimage?"

"I guess you could call it that." Lloyd said, finally jumping in. "Or you could say we were banished from our village by a pansy Mayor thanks to a stupid Dentist."

"… Well, I'll tell you about the Guidepost Monuments then." He pulled out another drawing, but this time it was lop-sided, terribly done and the coloring didn't even stay in the lines. "You find these on your journey and get Long-Range Mode or something."

Lloyd stared at the crappily done picture, tilting his head to the side. "It looks like a candy cane."

"Yeah, I'm not very good at drawing." He sighed.

"Wait a minute; you DIDN'T do that picture of Colette?" Genis gasped and pointed accusingly at the man.

"Err… well…"

"ART THIEF!" Genis shot the guy with the Sorcerer's Ring. Remember kiddies, stealing is BAD.

After that little episode, they both spent the night in the House of Salvation. They went upstairs and spoke to the bed there, for some weird reason, paying the old lady nearby one-hundred Gald for the night. They were both very disturbed by the fact that they had to sleep in the same bed, but that wasn't as disturbing as what was happening when they finally went to bed.

"Must you stare at us while we sleep..?" Lloyd asked the old lady just standing there… staring at them.

"I'm paid a thousand Gald an hour to do this, plus I can never miss a yaoi moment!" The lady chuckled.

That was the last straw and Lloyd kicked Genis out of the bed. Luckily the elf had already been asleep so he didn't protest. After a long, LONG night of discomfort, Lloyd decided he would attach Genis' Exsphere. Genis sat across from him at a table with his right hand out.

"Are you sure you can do this? Will it hurt..?" Genis asked fearfully.

"Not at all, Fake Dad did mine and I didn't feel a thing." Lloyd held Genis' wrist, after carefully setting the Key Crest on his hand, then whipped out a large hammer. "Now hold still." He began smashing the Key Crest onto Genis' hand as if he was trying to force a crooked nail to go in straight.

"OH DEAR –beep-ING GODDESS IT –beep-ING HURTS! YOU –beep-ING ASSHOLE LLOYD!" In the midst of his screams, Genis kicked Lloyd's shin every time he hammered his hand.

It turned into a spiteful circle of pain where they inflicted more pain on each other with every assault. Somewhere, Kratos was saying: "Blame your fate." It took a while, but they finally stopped. Lloyd had a broken leg while the bones in Genis' hands had been turned to dust. The old lady who stared at them happened to a healer too and cured them of their boo-boos.

"I thought you said it wouldn't hurt!" Genis snapped as they walked away from the House of Salvation, though admiring the new Exsphere on his hand, which was no longer mangled.

"Come to think of it, Fake Dad was more skilled and pumped me with maybe a gallon of morphine before he did it." Lloyd said with a faint limp in his walk.

"You jackass!"

They began a game of Shiitori to pass the time, though it was mainly calling each other names that just so happened to begin with the last letter of every word. And they were extremely good at it too! It made walking through the desert a breeze until they realized they were in a desert and began exaggerating about how hot they were.

"It's SO HOT!" Lloyd complained and looked around till he noticed Triet right there in the distance. "I think I'm starting to see things."

"What do you mean?" Lloyd looked down at Genis but screamed bloody murder. "What the hell's wrong now!"

"TOMATO!" Lloyd screamed and backed away from Genis. "IT'S TALKING TO ME!"

"Lloyd you're hallucinating, I'm not a tomato!" Genis shouted, but to Lloyd, it was like the tomato was opening up and juice was squirting everywhere. "I'm Genis!"

"Oh yeah right, that was what the Asparagus said and I lopped its damn head off!" Lloyd drew his twig swords and chased after the 'tomato'. "FEEL MY WRATH VILE VEGGIE OF DEATH!"

"A TOMATO'S A FRUIT DUMBASS!" Genis screamed as he ran towards Triet, Noishe who WAS in fact there, going after them.

Eventually they reached Triet, both too exhausted to chase each other anymore, and Lloyd's hallucination faded off, so they decided to stop by the inn immediately. That is, until they saw, dun, dun, DUN… Desians! Both hid behind Noishe.

"For once, I'm grateful for Noishe's big ass." Lloyd chuckled as they hid in the dog pen to watch.

"Orthodontic professional Forcystus' orders are to capture Lloyd Irving who has an Exsphere. He doesn't have a number yet so for now we have to call him 'Number 69'." One Desian said causing another to snicker. "Ew, you're such a pervert Bill."

"So, what does Number 69 look like?" The Desian who was named Bill cracked up once again.

"Shut up, Bill! His likeness and description are on the posters." He pasted the said poster on a wall. "Hey, this isn't too bad. Did you make it?" He asked the Desian that wasn't Bill.

"I wish; it was actually some bozo from the House of Salvation back there. I wish I had done it though."

Bill snickered. "Let's go find Number 69 then." He couldn't contain himself so the other two knocked him out before going to ask the Katz Counter.

Back with the three in the shack…

"Hee, hee… sixty-nine." Lloyd snickered.

"Grow up Lloyd; we need to find Raine and the others." Genis snapped then remembered the poster. "Let's go look at that poster!"

Making sure the coast was clear, the two walked over to the poster and Lloyd immediately went to the 'D:' expression. "What the –beep-!"

Genis had a screwed up expression that was a cross between pure disgust and amusement… I wonder how he can pull that off. Oh yeah, the 'XD' smilie. "I like how they made your butt chin. And look, your scarves blow in the wind even!"

"I'm SO suing someone when this journey is over!" Lloyd shouted then noticed something. "Ooh! A weapon shop!"

Lloyd went running over to the shop to find a small kid running it. He beat up the kid easily and jacked all his weapons for free! Now he had some REAL swords that were all shiny and stuff! He tossed Genis a Fine Star reluctantly but when he realized he was going to need help, he didn't want WEAK help. The armor had an adult running it so Lloyd couldn't pull the same stunt and PAID for the armor. The horror! And they also bought a bunch crap then noticed the hole in a nearby wall. The person in front was squealing like a fangirl. They easily deducted that it was Colette's fist again… somehow. They finished in that part of town so they went to the back area where they bought a crapload of food. Then they went into a tent that had attracted them with its mysteriousness.

The gypsy at the counter woke up. "I was expecting you…" She squinted. "… Lloyd Irving."

"How ever did you know my name?" Lloyd asked sarcastically. "Look lady, we're looking for the Chosen's Group."

"I know… one-hundred Gald." She held out her hand expectantly.

Lloyd drew his sword to her chin. "You thought it was threatening with a twig sword? Well, now it's the REAL thing!"

The fortune teller frowned and pushed the blade aside with her finger. "Fine, the hot guy said they were going to Triet Ruins. I was going to tell you your friends' affections for you but now I'm just offended. Everyone hates you, except for Colette who wants to have your babies. Now get out of my tent."

They walked out, Genis setting the tent on fire with the Sorcerer's Ring before they walked away laughing like maniacs. Something came to Lloyd then as they were about to leave Triet.

"Genis, you hate me?" He asked incredulously.

The elf shrugged. "I only started to when you tried to assault me with you swords; that was like minus ten affection! And somehow Raine knew and dive-bombed too and Kratos just hates you. Colette loves you no matter what you do. Even if you chopped off her arm she'd be all like," He put on a girly voice and waved his hands all feminine-like. "Oh Lloyd, you're so clumsy! I should be tearing you a new one, but I just want to love you forever and make babies with you!"

"Wow that was a pretty good girly voice." Lloyd applauded.

"What did you expect? I'm voiced by a girl." Genis sighed.

They were about to walk out of Triet when heard someone shout at them. "Hey! You two stop!"

Genis gasped and turned around, but this weird glitch occurred on my file where Lloyd continued to face our way like he was ignoring the Desians. I loved that so I'm inputting it! "Doesn't he look like Number 69 on the wanted posters- SHUT UP BILL!"

"How could you tell from staring at my ass!" Lloyd snapped but stayed facing us.

He was ignored and one of the other Desians looked at the poster at least a yard away. The Desian was near-sighted though so he just assumed it was. "Yeah, it looks just like him!"

Genis cracked up. "They must've confused your butt-chin for your actual butt!"

"Shut up!"

"Number 69 - Bill be quiet! It just so happens that he's the sixty-ninth wanted criminal! - You're the infamous Lloyd Irving?" The leader Desian asked.

"Sure whatever." Lloyd shrugged, still not turning around.

"You're being pretty laid back about this, aren't you?" Genis pointed out.

Lloyd finally turns to face Genis. "They're just Desians, there's no reason to get your panties in a knot."

"You can't run away now that your face is everywhere! You might as well give up now!" Bill laughed. "Yeah, that's right, give up Number 69!" He literally was rolling in the sand now.

"Bill, it's not even that funny. Just get the kid so we can retire wealthy." Another Desian sighed and took out his whip, as well as the other, and Bill took out a paintball gun.

Now that Lloyd had his new shiny swords, he was ready to kick some serious butt! Genis, now equipped with his new Exsphere, was eager to see if his aim improved and began casting an Aqua Edge attack. Lloyd gave a loud battle cry and charged at the Desians, hacking and slashing, till one's whip managed to knock his swords away easily.

"Holy crap, don't hurt me!" Lloyd squeaked holding his arms up in surrender as the Desians approached him. "Got you, suckers!"

He kicked sand in their eyes and as planned, jumped to the side so Genis' Aqua Edge could trip the two Desians over and he could beat the snot out of them with his fists. Genis in the meantime was doing a little dance now that he could aim more properly, but was abruptly stopped when Bill shot at him with a blob of neon green. Genis managed to narrowly escape the assault then got a great idea.

"SIXTY-NINE!" He shouted and Bill went back to cracking up. That made him easy prey for Genis so he was defeated quickly.

Lloyd was finally getting up after beating the Desians to a pulp and collected his swords. "Gee, that really sucked."

"Really; you need to keep your guard up just in case they come back." Genis said.

"What would be the chances of that- OH GODDESS THE PAIN!" Lloyd screamed and fell over unconscious, revealing that he had been shot in the back by a blast of fluorescent pink paint.

"Pink is for Power, BEEYOTCH!" One Desian snarled.

"For the love of Martel, Lloyd!" Genis sighed in exasperation before taking his role of the 'whiny hyper little brat.' "DESIANS! It's a dream come true!" He ran over to one and tugged at his armor. "Can I be your laundry boy, PLEEEEEEEEEEASE! Mommy said if I got straight A's and stopped picking my nose I could!"

"Get off me, brat!" He shoved the boy aside to pick up Lloyd.

"Ooh! What's this! What's this!" Genis squealed pointing at the paintball gun strapped to his back. He pulled the trigger and brown paint blasted at another Desian's butt. "Ha, ha, you pooped your pants!"

"Why you little..!" The said Desian grabbed Genis by the scruff of his shirt and the troops dragged the two back to their base, Noishe following with a leafy branch in his mouth for camouflage.

At the base…

"… So my sister continued to beat me with her staff and I laughed. It was SO funny!" Genis laughed giddily as he told them fake stories about his 'abusive' sister.

"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" The Desians snarled then noticed they were finally at the base. "THANK MARTEL!" He could finally throw the elf aside.

"We've brought Lloyd… and some annoying brat." He announced to the guards.

"Lloyd in, annoying brat out." They pointed and dragged Lloyd inside but noticed his pants. "Ned, you really need to control yourself."

"IT'S PAINT!"

"So what do I do first! Wash the floors? Wax the machines? Tune the control panels?" Genis' list went on.

"You're not doing anything; we're giving you the boot! You've apparently lived a freaking tough life thanks to your sister. Plus, as a fellow kinsman, it would only be fair." Way to go Namco, you completely gave it away with one single word…

"You mean… I'm free to go..?" Genis whimpered but then began bawling his eyes out. "BUT I WANT TO STAY HERE AND BAKE COOKIES WITH YOOOOOOOOOU!" A cookie to whoever can guess which old kid's movie I borrowed that from. I'll be extremely surprised if you do remember.

"GET OUT!" They snarled.

"Okay! I love you, buh-bye!" Genis then skipped off.

"… What a disturbed kid…" They muttered.

Genis stopped skipping once he was in front of Noishe. "Ugh, that was annoying, even for me… Okay Noishe, Lloyd is a complete dumbass so we need to help him escape!" Noishe howled in reply, as Genis mounted him.

This might take a while…

**- X -**

**Aisu: **O.O; Yup, odd indeed. I liked the beginning but then I think it got out of hand once they got to Triet. If you don't understand the 69 joke then don't try to. Bill was just a perverted Desian who found it funny. u.u;

Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review! The next chapter later this week is clever, I'll tell you that much! How Lloyd get's through the Base without a Sorcerer's Ring! Remember? Genis has it. :D


	9. Foolish Swordsmen and Yuan

_Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters_

**Aisu:** Thank you **ShadowofUndine, StarlightDemonFiresong** and **brandy mallory** for reviewing last chapter along with all the anonymous people who simply read the story.

This may be my last update for this story for a while. I have to type more chapters for this and couple that with school coming up AND my other story. Ah well, what happens, happens.

By the way, the quote last chapter by Genis was from Space Jam, one of my favorite Loony Tunes movies growing up. Daffy Duck says it. XD;

This chapter, Lloyd goes through the Renegade Base WITHOUT his Sorcerer's Ring, PLUS another twist! Also, I've always wondered if anyone was curious as too HOW I was planning on doing the Yuan scene when Yuan was tiny... o.o; That's this chapter as well.

ENJOY!

**NOTE:** This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, **SPOILERS **and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!

**- X -**

Chapter 9: Foolish Swordsmen and Yuan

Our dear split personality swordsman was sleeping soundly, letting out an obnoxious snore every so often. Now Lloyd had a bad habit of rolling off his bed in his sleep and then never getting back to sleep. That's why he began sleeping with his swords still attached to his belt so that he would never roll. But for some reason, he managed to roll right off the bed and shout loud curses upon impact.

"Ow! Goddess –beep-ing damnit! Why the hell does that keep on happening!" He growled and climbed weakly back onto the grungy old bed… wait. "Wasn't I in Triet earlier? Genis, where are we?" He looked around to find no sign of the small elf, but iron bars instead. "Damnit, did I kill ANOTHER innocent pedestrian?"

"I can't get the damn paint off my pants!" Lloyd heard some other voices and poked his head through the bars to see what was going on.

"Ned, you should go get those dry cleaned. I'll guard the kid till you're done." Another Desian suggested.

"Whatever, I don't even see the point. He can't escape execution since we've confiscated everything he owns and finally got rid of those arm's length switches. I don't even know why we had them in the first place." Ned said with a sigh.

"HEY! You can't kill me! I'm the only one people can control without being half-assed! Genis sucks with his stupid ball on a stick, Colette sucks and gets distracted easily, and I'm NOT letting Kratos steal my role and wear my clothes! He runs weirdly too!" Lloyd shouted and pointed from his cell catching everyone's attention. Am I the only one who finds it absolutely hilarious to watch Kratos run around in battle?

"What the hell? When did he wake up?" Ned asked.

"Who knows who cares? I'll take care of him; you just worry about getting your pants cleaned. Besides, Lord Botta is calling you." The Desian said and walked over to Lloyd's cell. "You can't escape since we took all your stuff, so why do you even bother making a fuss?"

Lloyd grinned. "Because I can do this!" He reached out to the control panel but nothing happened. "Okay… well… I can do this!" He raised his hand to set the Desian on fire with the Sorcerer's Ring, but of course Genis had it. "Err… Ah screw it!"

He reached through the bars, grabbed the Desian and put him in a headlock against the bars. After that, he ripped off his helmet- GASP! INSERT CENSOR! Anyways… then he began to give the Desian a hard noogie.

"NO! MY CHILDHOOD IS FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES!" It really hit him after Lloyd pulled an atomic wedgie on him. "OKAY, OKAY! I'LL LET YOU OUT! THE PAIN!" He smashed the control panel with his foot, opening the bars, then ran away crying, underwear streched over his head. Lloyd's a regular bully, isn't he?

"Okay, now to find my stuff and get the hell out of here- Ooh! More stuff!" He turned to his right and spotted a Save Circle and a chest.

He pulled the same maneuver as the previous Desian and smashed the panels with his boots. That done, he saved, not wanting to repeat last time, and opened the chest.

"A… Beast's Hide? Why the hell would Desians want these..?" Nonetheless, Lloyd took it as well.

He then went through the basic plan. "Now, if I was a Desian, I wouldn't leave a prisoner's equipment just lying around in an obvious place like next to the cells. So… I would have to look all over the base." Now, that would've made perfect sense, but Namco doesn't think so and put it in that specific area.

Of course, the moron went right by his equipment in the chest and continued down the hallway. Oh my, how's he going to get out of this mess without his swords? Right at that moment, two Desians, who came to check up on Lloyd, came through the door and spotted him.

"P-Prison break!" One called weakly. Why he hesitated, I have no clue.

Lloyd gave a battle cry and tackled them, beating them up with punches and kicks. Who needs swords when you've got fists of steel and iron-toed boots? The Desians screamed and shouted like little babies till they were finally unconscious. The… not-so-swordsman-like-at-the-moment swordsman got up and dusted off his clothes then did a little victory dance like he did after every battle.

"HAH ALL RIGHT!" Lloyd shouted merrily and swung around his arms like he would if he DID have his swords then. If anyone was there, they would have thought he was nuts.

Continuing through the door, after the alarm was tripped, he saw a large machine in the middle of the room and a teal stand thing in front of it. Lloyd walked up to the stand and went to see the shiny orb of light floating just above it. Being the curious little boy he was, he went to touch it and got a huge electrical shock that stunned him completely and he fell to the ground unconscious. The Beast Hide he had found though conveniently fell on top of him, covering him completely. At that moment, two more Desians burst into the room.

"Huh? I thought that kid in red would be in here." One muttered and began walking through the room. "It IS the only place he could run to from the prison room."

The other was walking around when he noticed the hide. "I like the idea of the fur rugs in this room though. They look so realistic when they're stuffed." He pointed out the rug Lloyd was lying underneath.

"It's definitely a nice change from metal and crap." The other agreed and went to go back through the door. "What the, why won't it open?" Lloyd was beginning to stir at this time.

"We changed the security, remember? Now we have robots that somehow manage to open them when they're on top of the panels." The other explained and they went off to get the robots.

Lloyd now fully regained consciousness, but flailed when he felt the hide covering him… till he remembered it was in fact the Beast's Hide he found. Chuckling at his mistake, he peeked out from under the hide to see the Desians grabbing robots from the huge machine. He decided to perform a typical stunt, like seen on many Sylvester and Tweety episodes, and crawl along the floors, hide still covering him. The Desians came around the corner carrying the giant robot when they spotted the 'hide' crawling along the floor somehow.

They both stared at each other, and then back at the hide which had mysteriously stopped. "Did that thing just move..?"

"… It was probably just our imaginations…" The other muttered. He must've not have been bright because it had moved at least halfway across the room.

When they went back to place the other robot, Lloyd began crawling along the floor again till he reached the door and began scratching at it like an animal would if it wanted in. The Desians had placed the second robot finally and went to the door, only to scream when they saw the 'hide' scratching at the door.

"IT'S ALIVE!" One screamed and they hugged out of fright.

"Go kill it!" Two ordered.

"Are you kidding me! You do it!"

Lloyd grinned widely when the door finally opened and crawled on through, leaving the Desians to scream helplessly. He yelped though when he was almost face-to-face with an activated robot glaring at him through the lens.

"UNIDENTIFIED SPECIMIN LOCATED… PENDING… PENDING… PENDING…" Lloyd tried to keep as still as possible as the robot decided. "… PENDING… PENDING… PENDING… PENDING… PENDING…" He was getting a little annoyed with all the waiting. "… PENDING… PENDING… PENDING… PENDING… PENDING…"

"Screw this, I'm out of here." The swordsman muttered as he got up and walked away, Beast's Hide in hand.

"… PENDING… PENDING… PENDING… BEEN PENDING FOR TOO LONG. PROCEEDING WITH SELF-DESTRUCTION. SELF-DESRUCTION IN 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… SCREW IT. I'M QUITTING."

Lloyd took a right turn and found a large room filled with shiny buttons and a vending machine of sorts. "Oh good, I'm starving!" He walked up to the vending machine and began looking through the menu. "Not even a stinking sandwich! That sucks!" He kicked the machine before turning around and finding a chest. "Ooh! More treasure- A Beast's Fang..?" Nonetheless, he took the fang and stuffed it in he pocketed for later.

He walked over the control panel and began pushing random buttons. "… Nothing! This place is SO BORING!" He walked out in a huff.

After the door closed, a large flying apparatus elevated from the panels on the floor and it began to rev up. It flew straight into the wall and shattered into pieces. This all happened because Lloyd ordered it to, hehe. Our dear split personality swordsman got a hilarious idea suddenly. He stuffed the fang in his mouth so it would look like he had a giant tooth and tied the hide around his neck like a cape. He then ran around making growling sounds like some kind of lunatic. The Desians were too disturbed to do a thing about the boy and the robots ended up self-destructing from pending for too long. Lloyd saw something shiny in one Desian's hand so he snatched it without any protest and continued on his way to another room.

"This tooth is starting to hurt…" He grumbled and ditched the disguise.

The shiny thing he had grabbed before was beginning to glow as he approached a carved spell circle in the floor. He tossed the object into the carving which exploded with light, turning into a Save Circle. He stepped onto the circle and saved like usual before going to check out the rest of the room. There was another machine in the middle like in the previous rooms, but this one was made in the floor. It was a large box-like thing, Gamecube to you guys, and small red, blue and green disks surrounded the outside of the glass covering. He decided to go look at the computer panel nearby and read what it had to say. Of course, he only read a small part of it because reading made his brain hurt.

"Align the disks so that they determine which way you proceed. On the platforms use an electrical force to turn the disks whichever way you want: 45 degrees, 90 degrees or 180 degrees…" Lloyd mumbled, stopping there. "If I want to leave, then I need to find the Entrance. But what do I use as an electrical force?"

Lloyd stepped on top of one of the platforms and stared at the tall pillar of glowing lights. He got a spontaneous brain blast just then and took out his Beast's Hide. He began to rub the furry side on his hair, building up a static charge and whipped the hide out so it would touch the pillar. The small charge was JUST enough to make it react and the floor began to rotate around the glass. Now THAT was just clever! I'd like to see you guys come up with something better when you don't have your Sorcerer's Ring or equipment and only the accessories provided!

"Holy crap! So that's how this works!" He thought out loud.

He experimented with the pillars for a while till the computer announced that the Entrance was unlocked. He went through the door and continued to walk along, expecting the other door to automatically open like the others, but ended up running into it.

"What the hell! Why didn't it open!" He kicked the door for good measure and stomped back to the previous room. Not before opening the Treasure Chest and grabbing the Magical Cloth. "Seriously, why would Desians want with these things?"

He continued to toggle the pillars in the previous room till the Computer announced that the Control Room was unlocked. He walked through that door till he came across a break off in the path. Desians were heading towards him from straight ahead so he dove off to the left and ran through the door.

He continued to pant till he sighed in relief. "Man that was close…"

"And just who the hell are you?" An ominous voice echoed through the room causing Lloyd to stiffen.

He got confused though when he saw no one at all in the room. "Who said that?"

It was, in fact, everybody's favorite conscience mini Yuan, but since he was a conscience, no one could see him except Kratos. He realized this as he stood at the height of Lloyd's first boot buckle and flew away. "J-Just a second!"

Lloyd stood there, patience wearing thin, till someone finally appeared from behind the desk in the room. He had what appeared to be blue yarn for hair that was tied behind his head with blue fringe covering half his face. The other half revealed his reddish brown eye. The rest of his body though had armor that resembled mini Yuan's identically as well as the large cape.

"Let's try this again. And just WHO the hell are you?" He demanded.

"Mommy always told me not to give my name out to strangers!" Lloyd shouted.

"This coming from someone who is completely unarmed like a dumbass. Then I'll have to force it out of you!" He raised his open palm and a small tube appeared from his sleeve. It charged up into an electric ball of… well… electricity.

The door burst open just then, revealing Botta and some Desian lackeys. "Sir, the Chosen's group has broken into the facility." Botta stated.

"Hey, you're the Desian that attacked us at Martel Temple!" Lloyd pointed accusingly.

"Could you please refer to me as Botta instead of a Desian, Lloyd? I rather hate Desians." Botta requested politely.

"But you're-" He was cut off as the blue-haired man smacked him aside.

"Botta, I'm going to get out of here before he sees me. I want you to take care of the intruders." He ordered then looked at Lloyd. "Lloyd, the next time we meet, you better have your equipment with you. We left it beside your cell for Goddess' sake!" He sighed in exasperation and left through another door.

Once in the other room, the man tugged his blue hair off revealing auburn locks. "Did you really have to dress me up as you, Yuan?"

Yuan scowled. "I'm just trying to follow the script! Besides, no one can see me except for you! But he could hear me somehow…"

Kratos got dressed back into his purple armor. "I can't believe he left his stuff in the prison… Stall them so I can get his swords and come back as if nothing happened."

"Fine." Yuan shrugged and flew through the doors once more where everyone was now entering and Lloyd was being backed into a corner.

"Lloyd! Are you okay!" Genis asked.

"Are you alright? Are you hurt?" Colette asked. Geez Colette, didn't Genis just ask that?

"I thought you guys hated me?" Lloyd blinked in surprise. "Oh wait, Colette doesn't. Never mind, where's Mr. Hot Stuff?"

"Kratos got separated from us a while back. I don't know where he is." Genis shrugged.

Botta appeared to be in deep thought as mini Yuan whispered in his ear. He nodded and Yuan flew off to find Kratos.

"Let us dual like civilized gentlemen!" Botta said and whipped out a large sword.

"Civilized? You call THAT civilized when I don't even have a freaking weapon!" Lloyd shouted in outrage.

"Here Lloyd, borrow one of my chakrams!" Colette offered one of her rings to him. "YOU BETTER NOT BREAK IT!"

Lloyd took it hesitantly. Botta first sent two lackeys on them while he stood on the sidelines like Yuan had ordered him to. Genis went straight to casting while Lloyd and Colette dove in. Colette skipped along and threw her chakram in a random direction which broke a vase causing Botta to wince. Lloyd then threw his and it sliced through a bunch of paperwork. Botta now felt like he was soon to be six-feet under. Genis, for once, was the only one who did any damage as he cast a quick Fireball spell. Lloyd ditched the whole chakram idea and resorted to his old habits: Beating the crap out of them with his fists. He did so on the first Desian he saw.

Kratos finally burst into the room panting and saw the sight before him; Genis casting, Colette collecting her chakrams and Lloyd on top of a Desian punching him till he was done for. "Lloyd, here's your equipment!"

Lloyd got up just in time to catch his swords and bag. He grinned maliciously at the other Desian that was being sliced by Genis' Wind Blade attack before giving a battle cry and going after him. Botta saw that Kratos was back and entered the fray, swinging his large sword like a madman. Kratos went after him though and began matching swords with him. Lloyd soon finished off the Desian he now had beaten to a pulp and went after Botta, who had knocked Kratos to the ground. He was about to finish off the mercenary when Lloyd thrust one of his swords out to block then slashed with the other.

"I am SO sexy right now." Lloyd grinned before he was conked in the back of the head by one of Colette's chakrams.

"You are SO pathetic right now." Kratos countered before getting up and attacking Botta once more.

Botta ran at Genis, after receiving a Fireball to the back, and the elf ran away screaming and dove under Yuan's desk. Botta, out of reflex, accidentally chopped the desk in half and froze stiff, Genis crawling away once the coast was clear. The half-elf could literally FEEL his boss' death glare in the back of his head.

"BOTTA YOU –beep-ING IDIOT!" Yuan roared as he flew straight at his second-in-command. "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG THAT –beep-ING PAPERWORK TOOK ME!" Electricity swirled around his miniscule form which caused Botta to wail in fear.

There was a very graphic and violent scene that followed, only seen by Kratos, but endured by Botta. To the rest, it was like he was getting VERY unlucky, being struck by thousands of volts of lightning every five seconds. Plus all those bloody gashes just appeared magically on him. How odd. Finally, Botta gained the strength to run away crying, leaving behind his broken sword. Yuan panted furiously with raspy breaths before landing back on Kratos' shoulder as if he hadn't torn Botta a new one. Kratos only stared blankly ahead where the scene took place, scarred for life. He never knew a double-edged sword could fit so far up someone's-

The door opening cut off his thoughts as Raine sauntered in. She spied around the room till her eyes targeted on her brother and she glomped him immediately. "Genius, I missed you so much!"

"It's Genis!" The elf cried in his sister's death grip. "And you just saw me five minutes ago!"

"I know, but I missed you anyways! Have you been washing behind your ears?"

"… I have ears?"

"Yes, they're just hidden by your messy hair. When was the last time you combed your hair, Genius?"

"Raine…" The elf whined.

Poor Genis was saved though when Raine spotted the Exsphere on Botta's abandoned sword. "Hey, isn't this an Exsphere?"

"Yeah, I think it is." Lloyd said as he stared at the said object.

Raine turned and gasped. "Lloydie! Genius told me what happened. How could you just drag him along with you like that?"

"I didn't drag him along! He followed me like a lost puppy!" Lloyd protested. Wow, he knows similes.

"Not the way I heard it…" Raine muttered as she glanced back at her innocent brother. You could just see the halo and angel wings… or in Lloyd's case, the devil horns and tail.

"To answer your question, yes this is an Exsphere; now let's go back to Triet already!" Kratos snapped as he headed for the door; eager to get away from the gory mess in the room.

"But you have an Exsphere too!" Lloyd called.

"We'll talk about that ONCE WE'RE IN TRIET DAMNIT!" Kratos snarled and they all left the room, except for Colette.

"I EXIST!" She shouted, having been ignored for a long period of time.

**- X -**

**Aisu:** There you have it! A screwed up version of the Escape the Renegade Base scene. It's hard to write about Lloyd when he's all alone, but I think I did alright.

Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review! This'll be the last update for this story for a while so I hope you enjoyed it! Till next update!


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